Reflection from March 7th, 2009 @ Age 27
RE: CHOICE IN BELIEF — SELF-ACTUALIZATION VS. SOCIOLOGICAL PROGRAMMING.
I went and worked out this morning for an hour and it really did make me feel good. I want to lose ten pounds in three months and I think I can do it if I work hard. I have three months to lose 10 pounds, to save money and to study for passing the bar exam the second time around. It’ll be three pretty shitty months, once again—but maybe not. I used to get so excited about accomplishing my goals. I don’t see why I can’t get excited about passing the bar exam and losing ten pounds and looking fabulous in a bikini this year. I’m really quite a beautiful girl when I feel it inside. I’m capable of more, I think, than I was ever originally supposed to be capable of in the first place. I just have to give myself a chance, I think. I have to give myself the opportunity to be happy, in order to be happy. I really need to give myself more pep talks, come to think of it. I’ve been thinking of a lot of things lately, and I think that’s because I’m getting more oxygen to my brain. No, I’m just kidding, I haven’t worked out for two weeks. But it sure does make me feel better about myself! I think I’ll keep it up.
People believe in fairytales because life is so goddamn unbearable and cold and cruel that they have to believe in something to get by. That’s why people prefer going to see movies with happy endings. That’s why it always happens in movies—the happy endings, that is. It’s because people want to believe that good things do happen in this world, and that good prevails over evil, and that if you are a good person, then good things will come to you. It’s just simply not true though. None of those things are true, but people have to believe in them to get by.
What I want is a fairytale. I want someone to come up and sweep me off my feet and take care of me and financially provide for me forevermore. I want to have no worries, not a care in the world, and I want to be blissfully happy and in love. I want my fairytale. But the question is, will it ever come?