Reflection from May 20th, 2008 @ Age 26
RE: SELF PEP-TALK TO KEEP MOVING DESPITE A DISMAL FUTURE OUTLOOK.
Time is going by so slowly I think I might have to kill myself to escape the urgency and wrath I’ve built up for it. Time is not my friend; time is my antithesis, and it’s creeping by at a snail’s pace. Everyday, day after day, time is moving by so slowly.
Do you know what I did tonight?! Let me tell you…I wrote Harrison an email and asked him if he remembered when we used to talk and talk and talk and he would play with my hair. And then I told him he could call me anytime if he wants—anytime at all. I feel like such a fucking loser. It’s funny how putting yourself “out there” makes you feel like such an idiot when it’s supposed to feel so freeing.
Anyways, I am healthy and I am thin and I am natural and I am beautiful. I am smart and I am funny and I’m the best friend you could ever have. I love and make sure those I love feel loved. I’m always the best that I can be, without fail. I write beauty and I speak beauty and I exemplify all that is beautiful. I am beautiful and I will make it through these days. I know it’s hard love—I know you don’t want to be here doing this. I know you thought you’d be so much further than this but the thing is, I don’t think you have any appreciation at the moment for the work you’ve built up, for the character you’ve created and continue to master day in and day out, on the up and on the down. You can’t see this now, but you’ve got so much more coming in this life, so much more than you could ever hope to expect for, you must only be patient and keep on forward. So shut the hell up and go be with time! Time ohh time—enough time to kill myself with words. Time enough to bore angelic thought onto paper. Time to curse and time to cry. Time for love and time to die.