Reflection from November 9th, 2008 @ Age 27
RE: LOATHING WHO I AM — AND WONDERING IF I CAN CHANGE THAT.
It’s difficult for me to read through my journals and hate who I was, not even a short time ago. I was such a little bitch, so judgmental of my parents. Not to say they haven’t done their fair share of damage, but we all do damage in one way or another. It wasn’t really fair of me to single them out, I don’t think. So I wonder, will I hate the me that is now only a short time in the future? Will I ever get to be somebody who I don’t absolutely loathe in the future? Will my life ever be one that I don’t dread living from day to day—the best time of day going to bed and the worst waking up in the morning? I just don’t know. I’m inclined to think things will get better, but then I feel guilty for not appreciating all that I have now. And I’m inclined to think things will only get worse, but then I feel like I’m just giving up hope, only lying to myself because I’ve never truly given up hope yet, and I don’t know that I would live past the day that I ever truly do. I wonder, is it only a matter of time here? Is there really no reason to worry at all, because it’s only a matter of time before things finally come brightly my way? I don’t know, and I hate not knowing.