Reflection from June 24th, 2011 @ Age 30
RE: SETBACKS — AND SUBSEQUENT UPSETS FOR THE “HATERS” ;0)
I had a bad day yesterday. Mostly I was just tired I think. But I met with my psychologist about my writing and it didn’t go real well. I mean, it actually went just as I had expected—but I guess I had hoped for better than that. Nothing wrong with hoping though.
He was actually quite critical; whether the criticism was constructive, I have not yet decided. He never once said he “liked” it or thought it was necessarily of any value. He actually questioned what value I even thought it had to offer in the first place. However, I suppose on the other hand, he didn’t say he didn’t like it either, at least as a whole. I think maybe he was trying to see what I thought, and hence refraining from giving any straight up opinion of his own, which isn’t really all that important in any case.
So, he said my December 24, 2007 entry was confusing because it switches between observation/raw feeling and reflection. He said he liked the raw feeling better because it felt more genuine, and that the reflective part almost seemed like I was trying to persuade someone of what it’s like to be bipolar. And I said, well, maybe I was. I mean, I think that’s all correct. I think I was living it, and also reflecting on it while I was living through it. I think I knew at that point in time that I was going to turn my journals into a book, so I may at some points, have been writing for a reader. I think that I was living it, but also trying to figure it all out at the same time. He said it was very disjointed and didn’t flow well. I think, and Stella concurred yesterday before I even met with him—that it’s not necessarily supposed to flow well. It’s not a novel, nor need it be like one.
Actually, Dr. Godfried had many of the same criticisms that Cooper did. To be honest, it doesn’t surprise me. I don’t think either of them really “get” the raw idea of it all. They see how it’s bad, how it won’t work, how it’s not this and it’s not that—they don’t see what it could be. They aren’t looking at the potential, they just see what it is not. And so that upset me and I wish deeply that I could collaborate with someone who does get it—who does understand where I am going even though I’m not quite there yet. Someone who can help me put this bitch together.
I won’t let these kinds of people stop me though. I believe in this. I believe it will help people in a fundamental way. I believe it is worth my time, and worth others’ time as well. I believe in it. And so I will continue to move forward with it in any case.
To be honest though, I think Dr. Godfried was totally turned off by the crude language, and I think he had a hard time seeing past that. I think he found the whole thing rather disturbing and perhaps is concerned for me that I would put that part of myself out there for others to see. I understand and appreciate his concern—but it is also a big part of the problem. It’s so fundamentally looked down upon in our society to show this “ugly” side of yourself, that most people who preview it, I think, will say that no one’s going to want to read this. But what do they know? And what do I know? I mean, there’s just no way to tell. There’s shit out there similar to mine in a way that millions and millions of people paid to read. And mine’s even better. So yeah, maybe people won’t want to read about how ugly a person can be. But maybe they will. Maybe they do want to understand. Maybe they do want to know they’re not the only one who has this ugly side. And maybe they will see the beauty in it that Dr. Godfried and Cooper so obviously cannot see.
I can see it and I’m pretty sure that Stella could see it. And I think that’s all that matters. We’re the important ones, and we know what we’re doing. And that’s all there is to it really. That’s what I choose to believe, and yes—I’m open to constructive criticism, but I will not let it stop me. It may get me a little down such that I eat a few extra hundred calories on that one particular day, but I’m already right back up. I will continue moving forward.