ON THE SUFFERING – That Brings Me Closer To My Life’s Purpose

Reflection from November 15th, 2007 @ Age 26


I’m feeling better right now, almost manic-y in a way.  I truly think it’s going to take suffering through this time for to reach the relief promised by this new drug.  All I can tell you is that it’s a drug having been used for a long time on bipolar patients (or so my doctor tells me), and that is costs me $25 a month instead of $300.  That’s all I can tell you.  And so I wait, and I suffer, but my suffering brings me closer to my purpose in the meantime.  It brings me closer to all the children that suffered and are suffering just as I did, with no support in this cold, lonely world.  It reminds me in a time of wanting to kill myself, of the true purpose of my existence.  I want to learn more about politics and I want to be an advocate for suffering children and those who suffer from mental illness.  I want to speak out about the stereotypes surrounding mental health issues, I want to speak out about preventative health care plans, and I want so very much to change this world and make it a better place and to be one good person living here on earth—one conscious person who cares and wants to make a difference.

I tell you what, I can feel the bipolar more than ever because I’ve been suicidal for days now—but tonight, I can honest to god feel my true meaning and purpose.  It’s an excruciating way to live; I feel like I have tremors in my heart when I see and think of the pain and suffering of others, and my own pain and suffering.  But the crazy part is, that very suffering is where I find my purpose in this world.  How can the most terrible of things in this lifetime bring also the most meaning?  It’s just another cruel irony of living the conscious life of a human being, I tell you.  It’s completely excruciating.


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