ON PERSPECTIVE — When It’s Tainted, By Love.

Reflection from September 6th, 2007 @ Age 26


I want so badly to feel letdown by Dave, but then I wonder why I ever even put him in a position in which he could let me down.  Unless that’s what love is about?  

I miss Dave, sometimes it seems, more and more everyday.  I try not to think of, imagine, the days that could have been because they just weren’t meant to be.  It was written from the start—I see this, I get it.  I know about things FDC.  I know our lovin’ stars were meant to be crossed and broken from the start.  And yet I’m left here, sitting, and still wanting.  I’m still wanting, and I cannot yet let go of David’s love…

I drove past Dave’s parents’ house a few days back before I left North Canton.  I hit about six stops before I found the go.  It was different than the last time I saw it, same as this times’ afar.  It was solemn this time and not bursting with life.  An empty nest to say of bittersweet.

I feel like so much about my life right now is just up in the cosmos for grabs.  I feel terrified and like I’m hiding in temporary shelter.  I feel powerless, but not without hope.  I feel as though I am in my own sort of trenches, arming myself and preparing for battle.  It’s an odd feeling.

I find it amusing that this warlorn perspective would come to be right now, with Nine-One-One looming on my mind.  Ohh 9-1-1.  I just don’t know what to say.  I got to see the scene of the crime with Gabby in NYC at the train stop there, where we got off.  It was unreal.  It was tiny!  A teeny tiny space for those huge planes to crash into and all fall down.  And they all fall down ironically coming from a nursery rhyme.  Ahh there’s a terrible darkness surrounding my heart…it feels like impending doom.


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