Reflection from September 6th, 2007 @ Age 26
RE: THE IMPENDING DOOM OF COMPLICATED EMOTION, WORKING TO CLOUD ENLIGHTENED VISION.
I want so badly to feel letdown by Dave, but then I wonder why I ever even put him in a position in which he could let me down. Unless that’s what love is about?
I miss Dave, sometimes it seems, more and more everyday. I try not to think of, imagine, the days that could have been because they just weren’t meant to be. It was written from the start—I see this, I get it. I know about things FDC. I know our lovin’ stars were meant to be crossed and broken from the start. And yet I’m left here, sitting, and still wanting. I’m still wanting, and I cannot yet let go of David’s love…
I drove past Dave’s parents’ house a few days back before I left North Canton. I hit about six stops before I found the go. It was different than the last time I saw it, same as this times’ afar. It was solemn this time and not bursting with life. An empty nest to say of bittersweet.
I feel like so much about my life right now is just up in the cosmos for grabs. I feel terrified and like I’m hiding in temporary shelter. I feel powerless, but not without hope. I feel as though I am in my own sort of trenches, arming myself and preparing for battle. It’s an odd feeling.
I find it amusing that this warlorn perspective would come to be right now, with Nine-One-One looming on my mind. Ohh 9-1-1. I just don’t know what to say. I got to see the scene of the crime with Gabby in NYC at the train stop there, where we got off. It was unreal. It was tiny! A teeny tiny space for those huge planes to crash into and all fall down. And they all fall down ironically coming from a nursery rhyme. Ahh there’s a terrible darkness surrounding my heart…it feels like impending doom.