Reflection from October 25th, 2008 @ Age 27
RE: MY FATE — WHICH MAY NOT IN FACT, INCLUDE BEING AN ATTORNEY AFTER ALL ;0)
Ohh my god, I’m getting myself all worked up. But what am I going to do? My book will be my only salvation if they won’t let me take the bar exam. Ohh how I wish I weren’t human and prone to succumb to weakness. Ohh how I wish I were perfect, I wish I were god. Then I wouldn’t have these situations I get myself into where I just can’t see any way out. I would always have the answers, the right answers, the truthful answers. Ohh how I wish I weren’t human and prone to mistake.
A large part of me thinks I’m being paranoid right now. I need to face this situation seriously, but also realistically. What I really need to do is to convince them in this interview that my character is fit to practice law. This is my story: my story is that I was incorrectly diagnosed and treated with medication that aggravated my actual condition, then I was properly diagnosed and treated with the correct medication, and since then substance abuse has not been an issue. And as far as alcohol is concerned, I’ve never had an issue with abusing alcohol and in addition my substance abuse issues have been rectified. So why shouldn’t I be able to have a drink now and again?
I really, honestly don’t know if I want to be an attorney so much so that I have to attend AA meetings and not drink for the rest of my life. I just don’t think I want it that badly. Is that the most awful thing to say? That I don’t want to be treated like I’m an alcoholic and drug addict the rest of my life? I’ll tell you what. The biggest problem I will have in not taking the bar is no.1 explaining it to my boss, and no.2 paying off my school debt. I will have a mortgage with no house. I will never again be living on my own; I’ll have to thank god for the opportunity when I was in law school because I’ll never again have the opportunity myself. Do you see my dilemma? I just don’t know what I’m going to do.
This is the worst experience of my life, by far. But in all reality, maybe I’m just not meant to be a lawyer. Maybe I’m meant to be something else, and this is how I am supposed to know that. Maybe my fate and my destiny are telling me otherwise, and my chance is to take the opportunity to publish my book. Maybe I am just not fit to be an attorney.