Reflection from March 20th, 2008 @ Age 26
RE: Fate, Destiny & Chance — Manifest ;0P
I’m pretty sure, more than anything in this world, I want to be a truth-seeker, and writer and love-maker. I want to make love to life and I want to make love through written word.
I keep thinking, what if, what if. What if I had called Dave back after he’d stopped Stacey in a North Canton bar? I don’t know why I wonder this, I hate to think that it might have changed the outcome at all, but I do. It’s just like the damn balloon that won’t sink already, I have this ridiculous hope that maybe something could have changed, something could have been different through my own doing that would have eliminated this awful tragedy. But even if that were so, it would make no difference now. Dave reached out to me and I let him go. I let him go because, with the exception of a few choice moments of insanely pure ecstasy with this boy, he pretty much only made me miserable. Miserable about myself, miserable about life, miserable about love, the works. So it kills me to think what if, when the outcome was inevitable from the start. Young lover dies. Young partner follows. Is my conclusion inevitable as well? I can only wait and see. There is no other way.
Well, I finally went to the library today to get a card and I ended up with The House of Holy and The Bell Jar. I can’t tell you how excited I am to read Sylvia Plath’s novel and I also can’t tell you how amazing it felt to smoke a ciggy on the way home from the library with D’yer Ma’ker blaring along. And you wouldn’t believe but when the library assistant was helping me find Led Zeppelin CDs a Less Than Jake CD popped up into view, and you know who that group makes me think of. And what’s even more exciting is that I ordered all the damn rest of the Led Zeppelin CD’s and Anne Fadiman’s novel The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down which Dave used in his research paper and I wanna know all about. It was quite an exciting day at the library! Let me tell you! And the sun is out shining and it’s the first day of spring. I haven’t been this elated in quite some time!
It really irritates me that in order to be successful, it seems like you have to be living in a big city. Obviously New York being the key, what irritates me more is that if I were successful, I too would be in New York. Or somewhere in California, but not here, not in Ohio. Sure I would come visit Ohio all the time and I love my family dearly and would not leave them behind, but it seems to me, that if and when I finally become famous, I will really feel like I’ve made it when I’ve moved to New York City.
You know, I’m completely perplexed because JenJen said her doctor said it was okay for her to leave out the fourth week of blank pills in her birth control pack. However, when you have your period, you shed your uterine lining. So, if Jen is not taking her blank pills which leads her to not have her period ever, where the fuck is her uterine lining shedding to? Complete perplextion.