Reflection from June 25th, 2012 @ Age 31
RE: LIVING WITHIN A PSYCHOSOCIAL STRUCTURE THAT TEACHES WOMEN TO HATE WOMEN AND BY DERIVATIVE FUNCTION THEN TOO, THEMSELVES.
I tell you what, I fucking hate that Charity put that big fat fucking house in my mind, and her perfect little relationship and her perfect little fucking family unit. But you know what? She probably hates more that she had to live always with the image of Bobby and Marissa in her head. Always, she could never have escaped it, not pre- during or post-relationship with Bobby, at no point in her relationship with her first love, could she separate him from his love for me. So, that’s pretty sucky too. I don’t know if all or even really any of the foregoing is true; but it would be my best guess at this point in time, knowing what I know now, which is admittedly not much (as per always! But that’s life!).
So, it’s really not so bad. Not too many whole, cohesive thoughts today other than that one, which I had just now. Randomly, I think about how her kids look weird; I wouldn’t say they’re not cute, especially that first one, she’s pretty awesome (or seems like she would be in any case). The second one’s just a baby these days still, really kind of, really weird looking, weird shaped head and all that; but I’m sure she’s a pretty alright little girl herself too. Probably no worse than her mom, and you know my thoughts about that one (maybe…maybe you do).
It’s a beautiful day outside today; warm, sunny, not too hot, just perfect with a little breeze to keep it cool and all. I have so much to say, honestly, that it annoys me I can’t type more quickly and think of what to type with greater precision. Hell, almost just the thought of writing these days makes my fingers ache and my goddamn skin of my wrists crawl from that sharp edge on my goddamn laptop (damn you Apple with your fucking inverted command key and missing delete button!). Ahh well though, I’ll get out what I can. And really this may be it, because I feel as though (my nose is smelling that) something may be burning in the oven. Hmm…
But yes, I will say, be that what it may be, I really do at times quite enjoy our little condo here in Dublin Pleasantville, in the good ol’ heart of it all. My little family unit, Adam headstrong, Marissa head case, and of course, little Sir Dietrich (best friend to Romeo). I really am quite enjoying myself here at times; mostly it’s just hard to see through the crappy bullshit, but when I do, it’s something special.
I’ve put on 5 pounds by the way, although this afternoon it was back just to 4, which is good. Just not quite sure what to think much of the time (still…LOL…), but here I am living anyway, doing my best most of the time in any case.
I really do hate this stupid sharp ridge though on my computer ;0(
I honestly am thinking right now, of purchasing a monitor, mouse and keyboard to accompany my now somewhat theoretically debunked MacBook Pro. Hmm…if only I had the money…which reminds me, we combined budgets last night for the 7/1/12 switchover date (Adam and I), and it wasn’t nearly as horrible as I’d imagined (so far…it hasn’t technically started yet, but you know, whatever).
It was the pizza too, by the way; its crusts are slightly charred, hopefully Adam will be home soon. I’m not sure why I just threw it on in the oven, ohh! Here he is now!! I shall be back! Or maybe not! Well, tonight that is…if I shall live, then I shall live on to write…but perhaps not anymore tonight (is all I mean)…!
The wall of dreams is now merely a speckled fortress of frustration. I took a picture so you can see. I don’t know how I’m gonna get that stupid shit down off the wall now either. What a pain in my ass.
1/8/2015 UPDATE: The 7/1/2012 “Combined Budget” plan went into effect as scheduled, the “husband” decided to terminate the marriage two months later, and the rest, is hi(s)tory ;0)