Reflection from April 10th, 2012 @ Age 30
RE: STICKIN’ TO MY GUNS, REGARDLESS.
You should be this, you should be that. It’s all I ever hear from these men in my life (with the exception of myAndy and myJohn). I’m so fucking sick of being told what the fuck I should be and do wonder if someday, ever, will come when I will be with a man who tells me only that I should be whoever it is that I want to be.
Adam’s told me many things in his lacking effort to be supportive of me with finishing Cultivating Beauty. For instance, yesterday, no…the day prior on Sunday, Easter Sunday, he told me that it’s so difficult to get behind me on this because I’m delving into the person that I used to be and he does not necessarily like who that person was at all. Who I was. Which really kind of says it all with regard to the “should”ing on me. I hate that phrase, I truly do; but as a frame of reference.
So anyhow, I decided this morning, when Adam yelled at me because he was mad he would have to miss his lunch workout two days in a row if he had to come home at lunch to take the pup out so that I could have a little extra time at work to finish up at my last week here…
Anyways, that happened, in addition to everything leading up to that point in time, and I decided (autonomously) this morning to (discretely) return back to taking birth control. I know this probably “seems” like a horrible thing to this horrible society at large; but if you think about it, it also happens to be the truth as to what is best for me and us right now.
Until it becomes more clear how this whole thing is going to play out (my marriage that is, to Adam). I feel a little guilty and scared about it since I do want to have kids and the clock continues to keep on a clickin’ — but if for no other person’s sake, I think it is the best possible decision I could make as of what I know right now, for my potential unborn children.
And all that crap aside, I “shouldn’t” say this, I know that I should not say it, but…
I still and perhaps forevermore, am hopelessly in love with Dave.
God, it never ends, does it? Now I feel so fucking sad I think I could lay down and just die. I love Adam very much, but…
I just don’t know what to do.
I was just remembering, or, well, as I sit here remembering (while focusing on work as little as possible because it’s a waste of my time and only important for the time being to the extent that there are bills that I need to pay)…
I remember sitting in the doorstep to Dave’s parents’ house in North Canton with, shit, the kid actually who lived with Adam freshman year at Miami. Anyways, I was talking with this kid, one of Dave’s best friends, telling him how horrible Dave had been to me (which he acknowledged…I think…at least by his question that followed…), and this guy turned to look at me, and then did look at me squarely in the eyes with a concerned face, and said,
“If he’s so horrible, then why do you stick around?”
And I stared right back at him softly and said without hesitation and without fear, simply, “because I love him.”
I do wonder if that boy remembers that ever even happening still. He was quite the pothead, although I in fact shortly thereafter became one myself—but I guess in any case, I obviously remember and I do wonder if he does too. I hope and wish that he does, and I hope that he tells me he does one day before this reality we all know drifts away into eternity. But god, that would make me so happy. Because then maybe there is at least some small teeny-tiny possibility that those words sung by I made their way into Dave’s heart. Oh how I do so ache for that to be the case!
For if it were, then there might also have been words exchanged back, to which one day I might be told, that he did in fact love me so much so that it happened that he confessed his love for me to his best friend and perhaps others.
I dream of a day when people who knew Dave reach out and open up to me with this hidden truth, that he loved me and me only, from the very start to the very end, without fail and always enduring to the end of time.
I do so very much wish that this dream will come true. I have intuition that it will happen even sooner than I could possibly imagine, but you know how sometimes our thoughts can be so misgiven. Ohh my David…
I’ll follow you into the dark. –Death Cab
Asshole just came in with more for me to do and I said—
“We need to prioritize since my last day is Friday,” and he was like—
“For how long?”
And I was like, “the four weeks we agreed on to start after tax season,” and he said—
“Well…I didn’t necessarily agree to that,” and I said—
“Well, you did in fact say it would be okay come April 16th and I’ve planned on that and set everything up in reliance upon that,” and he was all…
“WELL! We live in the real world,” blah blah motherfucking blah.
Looks like my job may be in jeopardy after all.
I’m not budging though. Nor am I telling Adam. Fucking asshole, that Paul. Motherfucker.