Reflection from July 6th, 2008 @ Age 27
RE: SONGS FROM WITHIN THE BIRDCAGE.
I’ve been having suicidal ideation again. It’s really bothering me that I don’t know how I’m going to pay for my medications, and it’s also bothering me that if I have to go on lithium I’m gonna flat line and become a zombie. A fat zombie with no fucking clothes to fit. I’m wondering whether I can kill myself by ODing on lithium. People say suicide is selfish but I tell you what, I’m goddamn tired of dealing. The people who love life so much and are so efficient at dealing can deal with my fucking death just like they’d deal with any other problem. They’ll all move on. They’ll all forget me. None of them even want to help, they just want to say ohh, she’ll be better by the time I talk to her next in a month or two. And if they do want to help, they can’t. There’s nothing they can do.
I don’t know how I’m going to pay for my bar application. I don’t know how or when I’m gonna get my next bag of weed. I swear to god if somebody would just tell me how to fucking get better already then I would, but nobody can seem to tell me except my psychiatrist who pours drugs down my goddamn throat with no concern as to whether I will be able to afford them the whole year. Nobody can tell me how to feel better, how to better deal with life.
I’m sorry but dreams just don’t come fucking true. Yeah maybe I thought law school would be a dream come true but you know it’s only turned out to be one big fucking nightmare.
I woke up today and my father started making fun of me and mimicking me because I was in a bad mood. He’s a real gem, lemme tell you. He said I’m always in a bad mood, and I kept my mouth shut. I just wanted to say to him though, maybe if I weren’t borne with such a motherfucked up head on my shoulders then I wouldn’t be in a goddamn bad mood anymore. Or maybe if you could have paid for my education then I wouldn’t be under so much pressure and I wouldn’t be in such a bad mood anymore. Or maybe if you weren’t so financially irresponsible then you could help me pay for my medications and I wouldn’t be under so much pressure trying to figure out what I’m gonna do. He’s just a gem of a father. See if he gets a birthday present from me this year. Fucking asshole.