ON KNOWING WHAT I WANT — And By God, Going Out & Finding It ;0)

Reflection from August 29th, 2008 @ Age 27

RE:  LOVE’S HEALING POTION.

My god, summer’s over and the fall is coming.  It’s almost September and Labor Day is this weekend.  I can’t even believe it.  I have almost no winter clothes, but gobs of summer clothes now.  At least I won’t have any worries come this spring. 

I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but it makes me feel better remembering that back in college I already knew I didn’t want to work for a bank, financial institution, insurance company, drug company or large corporation.  And here I am today and I’m not working for any of those evil kinds of places.  I have no money to save and I live with my parents at the age of 27, but by god I don’t work for a bank, financial institution, insurance company, drug company or large corporation!

Later

Well I’ve been thinking about it all day and I was going to come here and write to you all about how difficult it is to deal with desperation and the aftermath of actions taken in desperation.  I was going to tell you how ashamed I’ve felt reading through all this stupid Bobby stuff seeing how awfully desperate I was and how I wanted him to “save me”.  It all just makes me feel awful about myself and I look forward to letting it go and moving on.  And the good part is, I never ever ever have to see Bobby again in my entire life.  That helps.  What a loser he was in the first place.  I don’t know why I fall in love with these douchebags, but I most certainly do and I shall be weary from now on of all those who I love.  No no, that’s not true.  I think part of the problem is that I have only dated boys; I don’t even know if I know of any men except maybe my brother Andy but even he is still coming into his newfound state of manliness.  Anyways, I clearly need to be with a man, so at least I now know that if I’m falling for a boy I better pick myself right back up and move on because we all know how that old story ends. 

Anyways, I was going to talk about how difficult desperation is to deal with and how sometimes we end up starting to trust those who will easily trespass against us and begin to doubt those who would walk into fire to save us.  It’s so tricky, that human psyche.  It can make you all kinds of fucked up.  My point is, I’m back on track now and there’s nothing like a best friend to restore your faith in humanity.  I arrived home this hot afternoon to flowers on the doorstep, for me!  I opened them up and they were from my JenJen and do you know what she said?  She said “Marissy, I was thinking about you and thought you might enjoy these.  Flowers always cheer me up and I hope they remind you of how many people out there love you.  Love and miss you, JenJen”.  I choked up and cried tears of love and do you know I’ve got the best friends life can offer.  Needless to say, I am very much so cheered up!

Much to my chagrin, however, is my Aunt Bonnie’s ailing condition.  Do you know this asshole who I hope keels over and dies a long and painful death who gave my Aunt Bonnie HPV is the one responsible for her current cancerous condition?  Apparently HPV causes cancer and has caused my Aunt Bonnie’s cancer.  Now it is spreading quickly throughout her body and she is at stage four which is apparently the worst that there is.  They want her to fight fight fight but honestly, if I were in the same condition, I don’t know that I could.  I would never fault her for letting go.  I think if I were in the same situation, I would just want to let go.  I don’t know what to do.  Sending her a card seems so silly given the circumstances.  I really just don’t know what to do except to be grateful for everything that I have.  For my health and my family and my friends (even if they are only the few), for the opportunities I’ve been given and for my promise for a good future.  For my depth, and my compassion and my undying ability to love fully and without end.  For my two cats and for my great job and for my solid character built from the bottom up.  For everything that I have I wish for to be grateful.  For everything that I have, I wish to love without end.

Thoughts?

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