Reflection from November 2nd, 2008 @ Age 27
RE: EARNING MY FLYING COLORS ;0)
Well, I’ve been in a relatively bad mood all weekend, but some things have lifted my spirits which is good. I visited Worthington this weekend with my mom, this town about a half hour away from where we live. It was such a cute little town and we went into all these little stores and Christmas decorations were out and it made me feel so wholesome. We got to sit outside and eat lunch because it was such a nice day out, and it just made me feel happy. Happy to have my mom and to have the time to spend with her, and happy to participate in an activity outside of my day-to-day life. My normal day-to-day life depresses me right now, so it was really nice to get outside of it, even just for a day.
Anyways, I found out that Klodiana passed the bar exam which is great woohoo and all, but really I don’t know how I feel about it. I mean I am happy for her that she passed and all, but some part of me wished that she wouldn’t. Some part of me wished that she didn’t get to live this perfect little life where she got great grades in law school and was probably on the law review, and advertised for BARBRI at school and therefore got to take the $3,000 bar review course for free, with a house in Upper Arlington and boyfriend from law school and a job making a shitload of money. I just hate when these people get to live these perfect lives and they think, I made it here because I worked hard. I hate it because I’ve worked hard all my life and look where it’s gotten me. Nowhere. I live with my parents, I can barely pay my bills, I have no friends, I have no significant other, I hardly ever go out and do anything. My life just sucks and I’ve worked hard to get here and I just don’t feel like it’s fucking fair that some people work hard and get the world upon their fingertips and other people work hard and get nowhere. It’s like these asshole millionaires who think they got everything they have just by working hard, not acknowledging that the place from which they were positioned at birth and/or the sheer luck of opportunity they blindly stumbled upon. Tell their story to people who work two and three jobs just to support their family with meager means, who don’t have any chance to advance to something greater.
I don’t know. I’ve just been feeling like I’m stupid lately. I’ve been feeling like a moron for going to law school because when all is said and done, I’m just not smart enough to pass this bar exam. I haven’t even taken it yet and it still feels insurmountable. There’s just so much to know and I don’t know that my brain can handle the influx of this mass amount of information. It’s like how things at work are going; everything is just one big mess inside my head, and none of it makes sense and I can’t remember things for shit, and there’s just completely no organization of information whatsoever. That’s how I feel about the bar exam. I don’t know how I’m going to get this information to stick inside my head such that I can retrieve it again upon demand.
I also found out that Dana got a 164 score for the LSAT which is in the 91st percentile apparently, whereas I got I think a 154 which is obviously in a much lower percentile. And that was on my second try. Maybe I should have known from the start that this was all just a bad idea. It’s just been a nightmare really. I thought it was everything I wanted to be, but I didn’t really know why. And now I’m wondering why, ohh why did I ever go and do this to myself. Put myself in a position with all of this debt. It’s suffocating really, working as hard as you can, not knowing if you’re going to be able to pay your bills come April 2009 when my loan deferments end. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’m just going to wait until March to figure that out.
I just feel like a moron. I feel like I went to law school to prove to people that I’m smart, and now, even having graduated from law school, I feel more stupid than I’ve ever felt before in my life. Why do I feel so fucking stupid? It’s because of this fucking bar exam is why. But it’s not even that, I just feel like I’m so stupid when it comes to life, and the decisions that I make, and my inability to create and maintain social relationships. I mean, I have three best friends, maybe four if you include Jes. None of them live by me, none of them do I talk with on a regular basis. Something is wrong with me, because in four years of living up in Cleveland I didn’t make any friendships that have lasted past law school. These thoughts just float through my head, haunting me, but even more so taunting me. Law school Rob saying to me life is so much better now because work is so much less work than law school and I get a (fat fucking) paycheck every other week. That fucking haunts me, it makes me feel like I’m such a moron I shouldn’t have tried from the start.
I don’t know if I went to law school to prove to myself that I was smart. But if so, I’ve failed miserably. I don’t even know what else to say except that I failed with flying colors.