Reflection from October 6th, 2008 @ Age 27
RE: LEARNING HOW NOT TO SECOND GUESS MYSELF.
Decisions of my past are haunting me. It’s not fair of me to let them though, because it’s easy now to look back and say, I would have done so much better in law school had I only…blah. It’s not fair for me to say, ohh if I had only worked harder then! Because I worked as hard as I could, and paid attention for as long as was possible for me at the time, and that’s all that I could have done. It’s not fair of me to say ohh I should have concentrated better because my mind was playing funny tricks on me at the time, not to mention all the ill-informed medical attention that had bombarded me from every direction. It’s not fair of me to let these regrets creep in, it’s simply not fair because there’s no way I could have known then what I know now. It’s simply not fair, and yet these regrets seep in and slime through my hair, down my shoulders, creeping, creeping and covering my body. They envelop me and I find it difficult to study now, I’m so concerned with what could have been. I chose a path and I did the very best that I could at that point in time, with the limited knowledge I had at the time, and I want to let it be. But I’m finding it difficult to let myself off the hook here. Those words from law school Rob haunt me, how he said working is so much less work than was law school and he gets a paycheck every other week. How am I going to pay off my student loans? I just got six letters in the mail today from my federal student loan company telling me how much money I’m going to owe them monthly come April 2009. It’s well over $500 a month. I can’t afford them. I don’t make enough money to afford these payments, so I’m betting on their being put in forbearance for another year. Ohh I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do. Studying would prolly be my best bet though.
Back to it I go…
So maybe it just is going to take me longer to really “become” an attorney than most people. I’ve got a chronic illness excuse for one. For another, I’ve always done the very best that I could, I’ve always done the most that I could do at any given particular moment in time. I’m just haunted by all those people who had it easier, who were more able at the time and had more wherewithal to really do well in law school. I was a very immature graduate student. Now I know why they say to wait a few years before you go to graduate school. I’m sure had I done so, like Rob did by the way, then I’m sure I would have come into the entire experience with a completely different perspective and point of view. That is not the path that I chose. I chose the very difficult path to push right on through college into grad school. It wasn’t an easy path. I wasn’t adequately prepared for the experience. But all of this cannot be changed now. I am who I am and I live my life under the circumstances with which I’ve been dealt, and I keep trudging on because I’ve nowhere else to go but forward.