ON MY CHARACTER WARDROBE — Chock-Full Of The Coolest Shit ;0)

Reflection from September 18th, 2008 @ Age 27


What are you supposed to do when the support you gain from your friends and family isn’t enough to pull you through?  How are you supposed to go on, when you’ve got nothing to hold onto and nothing to look forward to?  These are the questions that plague my mind today.

I was thinking a person who was privileged their whole life, so privileged that they grew to inevitably run away from any situation or person that presented any kind of conflict or the potential for difficult feeling—what a stale person, that must be.  For how could you ever grow if you were never challenged in the least bit?  How could you ever see what you were made of if the opportunity to display such character was never encountered?  It’s difficult for me to believe that there are persons in this world who are incapable of forgiveness.  But there are.

I found it very difficult to explain my life to myHessica the other day on the phone without crying.  I cried today in the car on the way to work and several times almost at work because I am unhappy with my life.  I feel like I’ve worked so hard for so long and yet I’m still not good enough.  I’m not good enough to have taken the bar exam yet, I’m not good enough to earn a livable salary, I’m not good enough to lose weight and keep it off, I’m not good enough.  That’s how I feel. 

So I wonder, what in the world I’m supposed to do with myself in the predicament in which I’ve come to be.  I wonder how I keep moving forward every day, knowing that the best part will be leaving it at night when I go to sleep.  My life could be so much worse, but it could be so much better, and it’s not fair because I’ve worked hard and I deserve a good life for myself.  But alas, life is not fair.  Those who deserve luck fail to find it; those who need not, only find more.  It’s the way of the world; a world I don’t particularly care to live in.  But please tell me, what choice do I have?

I wish I could have a fashion line where I chose pieces for collections from upcoming designers.  I’d have the coolest shit.  I wish I had a whole damn store for my collection and I’d keep it stocked damn full and the pieces would fly.  Ohh to dream…it’s such a cruel endeavor.


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