Reflection from March 30th, 2008 @ Age 26
RE: LEARNING ABOUT PSYCHO-SOCIOLOGICAL ROOTS OF HATRED.
Gol-ly I’m feeling so much animosity towards John’s April right now it surprises even me! I just want to hate this girl, I feel like she saw what a good relationship I had with John and thought I want that, and then fucking took it, never to be seen by me again! And then it didn’t help that John told me yesterday about her healthy little nest egg which really pisses me off seeing as though all my school loans are in repayment and upon tallying them up with all the goddamn capitalization of interest and fees and whatnot, I now owe over $156,000. She represents so many things I want but cannot yet have and I want to hate her for it with all my might. But she’s a nice girl, even if she does look like Angelina Jolie (the bitch), and my hating her would only mean I would be hating on me, because of course my feelings have nothing to do with her, she is only the trigger.
I must pull the trigger, and I must pull it repeatedly for the animosity to continue. Hence, I have many opportunities of choice, to choose to love me over choosing to hate me. I can love me for who I am, with all my body fat and my school debt and my undesirable job and my juvenile living arrangements, or I can hate me and hate my life and live in jealousy and hatred pointing fingers at others when really all I’m doing is pointing the finger at myself, at what I perceive to be my faults. I can forgive and move on, or I can fume and linger. I have a choice here, and I have many choices to follow. So what will I choose? I’m not yet sure.
Well everything went fine and it was such a nice day with Andy and Rachel and Brycey, and John and April and Mom and Dad. And things went well with April, really well. I told her I liked her skinny jeans from Ruehl, which I very much so did; I liked her whole outfit in fact. And she looked beautiful as always and I very much so like her as well. I have absolutely nothing against April, it’s just that in her presence I’m reminded of many things I want so badly and have worked so hard to get, but cannot seem to attain.
Next to her my life feels barren and bland, I feel ugly and not good enough, not good enough for my self. I really like April very much and I’m so glad that she and my brother are so happy together. It’s just that I feel pain in her presence for the things that I want desperately and have not yet been able to find. And I do think I’ll have these things one day, more than I could even now imagine, but today my heart aches for that which I cannot have. Today I feel grateful for my loving family and dear friends, and for love, but my heart still aches for that which I cannot yet have.
There are moments etched into my memory that, upon recollection, lead me inevitably to believe that Dave loved me. Not the kind of love that is temporary or circumstantial; the kind of love that runs deep through your veins and infiltrates every crevice of your loving heart. The kind of love that should rule as an empire and lead wars of peace and prosperity and acceptance of all humankind. The kind of love that makes living in this world worthwhile. The kind of love that divides us not in our suffering but brings us together so we do not have to face life on our own. The kind of love that every child should be born out of. If I am honest and I look deep within my heart and my mind, I know that Dave loved me in the same fundamental way that I love him. In the same soul-bearing, heart-wrenching, bittersweet way I too love him.
So often I want to believe that fairytales don’t come true, but then I look to my brother Andy and my sister-in-law Rachel and my faith is renewed. Their love is a love worth living for. The anticipation and restored hope for a love like theirs will lead me on through my own darkness. I will not always be blind, I will not always live in the darkness. My time is coming, I must be patient, but above all I must not lose hope. As is their love, my hope is undying.