Reflection from December 29th, 2012 @ Age 31
RE: EARNING FORGIVENESS, THROUGH ENLIGHTENMENT & AMENDS.
Two things: with regard to Charity (so I don’t forget)—character; with regard to Adam (also, so I don’t forget)—playing God (yes, but not what you’d expect).
I got up this morning and let Dietrich out to pee, then read a bit from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, then took D for a walk, then came home (to my parent’s house, of course), made this whole huge breakfast, etc. etc. So, it was a lot of good thinkin’ time, preceded of course, by very quality thinking material (at least as far as I can tell at this point in time). And these are two of the most important thought/conclusions I came to during the process:
No.1. Maybe the reason I have “hated” Charity so much (surprise, surprise!) has nothing much to do with Charity at all. Maybe I hate her in reality, because I hate the idea that what I did to her (namely, sleep with Bobby) fell so far beneath my self-created charter of morality and ethics that I actually in fact, hate myself for creating such a reality. And of course, as these things go, it in substantive reality held far greater meaning still than in factual reality, namely (again) since the fact that I slept with her ex-boyfriend held slight meaning as compared to the fact that Bobby was probably the first person outside of any of her shoddy i.e. emotionally irresponsible family that actually gave a damn about her substantively in the first place. How that was possible, given Bobby’s infamously lazy nature I have no idea. But I’m sure that’s some clue as to the nature of the hurt I caused Charity through my own selfish action.
No.2. I think I am playing God with Adam. I want to be the one to punish him because I had to be the one whom he abused and treated so poorly and so substantially without care. But when I really think about it, I’m not so sure that’s my job in this universe. I think it would be best left up to those higher powers that pal around with fate, destiny and chance (if they are not in fact, one and the same). I think it best that I get what I am legally entitled to and bow out, and leave the rest alone for his karma to handle. What I am legally entitled to, begs the question really, but all the same, it should shortly become fairly clear. I’ll know what to do when the time comes. I need to leave the rest behind.
No.3. And now here since I’m going, I might as well make a point #3, drawing a comparison between 1 and 2. Charity made up for my poor and careless treatment of her feelings by acting as god (well…not God, but funny enough, evil) to punish me. And she in reality did cause me great pain because of it. But I believe her abilities to be far less than that of which I am capable, as evidenced by my ability to overcome her evil, and then now too, my ability to reflect and apply to the current situation.
Charity created and brought evil into this world—she was wronged, and she reacted by bringing evil into this world. I have been wronged by Adam, I am angry and hurt and have every right to be—however at the same time, I do not want to create evil as a result. I want to take my hurt and pain and anger and transform it into good—a far more difficult task, but in the end it will heal me and save me from far greater evil that would otherwise lie ahead. I will take what is legally mine, and leave the rest.
So there you have it—all jumbled and probably barely making sense, but I’m pretty damn sure there’s a substantially important point in the above mess.