Reflection from May 29th, 2007 @ Age 25
RE: TAKEOFF ;0)
I can’t sleep. My mind is racing and I kinda just want to keel over and die. I have no idea how I’m gonna find a job but I did figure out what I’ma do about my bank account. I have checks via my credit card that I can write to myself so I’ll just write one of those and it’ll go on my credit card and I’ll be just fine. For now.
I’m terrified of the world I’m about to face. I can’t wish I never got help you know because then I know I’d be worse off. Dead even, perhaps. But man life is hard. And it’s very very scary when I’m $135,000 into debt on school loans. I’m doubting myself now in the sense that I’ve never really done this before and I don’t know how I’ma do it now.
I was reading this History of Love book and just gave up because the perspectives are always changing but I can’t keep straight who’s saying what or who’s who or any of that bullshit.
Aghhh I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I just don’t know. I’m afraid and anxious and terrified. I’m coming as low now as I was high the other day and I was super high the other day. So I’ve really gotta observe this wave for what it is and nothing more.
But you know Maris, you’ve never been one to follow the traditional path, so why would you start now? I’m just scared. Martie suggested I do thirty meetings in thirty days. I’d like to suggest to her to fuck off! I’m mad at being pigeonholed and I’m mad at her for criticizing my answers to that fucking test but then refusing to explain my questions as they relate to the test which then form the basis of my answers.
I intend to stop seeing her. It’s none of anyone’s damn business what’s happened. I’ve gotten help for my mental health issues, especially the ones stemming so painfully from childhood and now it’s time to move on. I’m done.
Also…I wonder whether there will be openings for positions requiring a JD but no license since most people with JDs end up practicing anyways. I hope so. I think I would be great at doing this trusteeship stuff at a bank what with my JD and undergrad in Math and Econ. It’s almost ideal. I’m not sure at this point what ideal would really even be though.
John started taking sleeping pills so he could get some good sleep even though it might be his coffee consumption that is keeping him up at night. That’s questionable though, since it’s not the falling asleep he’s got trouble with as much as it is waking up in the middle of the night.
Lou called me today to say he found some which is good. It’ll be nice to return home to that (hopefully).
You know, I would be hard-pressed to name you one fucking attorney who is happy doing what it is that they do. I think now would be a great time to start volunteering. I best set that up before I go gettin’ lazy. I deleted my facebook page today. It made me feel very anxious all of a sudden and I decided I didn’t want to do it anymore.
I’m spending the day with Johnny tomorrow. Should be fun. I’m hoping to get some pool time in and then I’ll either go home tomorrow night or Wednesday morning. I have Nora and Amanda this Saturday and am kind of regretting my decision to take them, but then again not because I’m sure I’ll be glad when it’s done and over with that I did it. I just wish it weren’t so close to the time Bryce was supposed to be born! But I suppose Andy and Rach will be inundated with visitors anyways and I can always see him on Sunday. Should be any day now! Hoorah for Brycey! I can’t wait to meet him!
Alright…I’m wide awake and don’t know what to do with myself.