Reflection from August 23rd, 2008 @ Age 27
RE: DIFFICULTY MEETING EXPECTATIONS ;0)
I don’t know why I feel so embarrassed about this whole Bobby thing. I’m about to stop talking about him altogether, but I think the following is important to say. People meet up with people from their pasts all the time, reconnect and fall in love and live happily ever after. So I don’t know why I feel so ashamed that I thought this might be the case with Bobby. I didn’t realize what a spoiled lazy brat he still is though, and I didn’t realize that when he said he used to have feelings for me that he really meant he didn’t ever really have feelings for me at all. He just thought he had feelings for me and what he really was feeling all along was irritation that he couldn’t have what he thought he wanted to have. The way he treated me recently convinces me that he never actually had real, true all-encompassing feelings of love for me. Maybe he had lustful feelings, maybe he was upset he couldn’t once have what he thought he wanted to have, but if he really did have feelings for me all along, things now would have worked out very differently than they otherwise have.
And furthermore, I don’t know why I feel so ashamed for sharing with him my truth because he said he wanted to be my friend and I took him at his word. Now I realize he was paying lip service to me, and that he never really wanted to be my friend either, in the first place. Or maybe he thought he wanted to be my friend but didn’t realize he might have to be supportive, that he might have to put some effort into actually being a friend. I still feel slightly disappointed that he turned out to be such an asshole. But I guess now I know that things between him and I weren’t meant to be, and won’t work out in the end. I couldn’t find that out with Dave, he died too soon. I don’t doubt the conclusion would be any different though. But at least now I know, I don’t have to wonder anymore. And I suppose in the end that might be a greater gift than I’ve yet to realize.
Bobby’s just the type of person who will run from anything the exact moment it becomes slightly unpleasant or difficult to deal with. This I’m sure comes from living a life of luxury and never having to want for anything. I can’t fault Bobby for having been brought up this way. I can fault him for having continued on to live this way, developing only a spineless, selfish, self-centered character at best. Or maybe I can’t fault him because there is no fault, these circumstances are just as the sky is blue. What I can tell you hands down, is that I don’t want to end up with this kind of a person. I want to end up with a person who has a strong sense of character built up from years of hard work and of reaping awards long sought out and well deserved. Bobby is not this kind of a person. I am therefore thankful that things didn’t work out with him. I’ve learned a lot from the experience and I hope against hope that this further burn will keep me from rushing into circumstance again with another of the opposite sex.
You know, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think Bobby’s quite the spawn of hell or anything, he just turned out to be such a disappointment from who I hoped he was going to be. Such a disappointment from all that he could be. I don’t wish him bad things, I just wish someday he’d realize what a waste he’s become after all this time, what a waste his mind has become.