ON THE DIFFERENCE — Between Self-Discipline (Power) & External-Discipline [Force].

Reflection from August 18th, 2011 @ Age 30

RE:  EXTERNAL DISCIPLINE DOES NOT *WORK* ON DIONYSIANS, GUYS.

Not doing super fabulously.  Had another this morning.  Got kind of angry with Adam’s mom again, this time because I wrote her an email asking her how she thinks Adam’s been doing lately, from her perspective, and she wrote me back this long email about all his recent health logistics and I’m just like WTF lady?!?  Do you think I don’t have any idea what’s going on?  I don’t need you to recite to me what’s going on with my husband’s health…I’m well aware thank you very much.

So then I vaguely told Adam that I didn’t really like his mom at the moment last night.  Bad idea, especially because it seems I’m constantly getting mad at her anyway.  So then I read her email again this morning, and most of it was actually pretty nice.  I just can’t quite figure out what it is that rubs me the wrong way about her, because she’s really very nice and has almost always been very kind to me, etc.  I think really what it is, is that she can just be very blunt, and she’s not a very emotional person on top of that, so she can sometimes seem to be cold and distant and standoff-ish.  I know she’s just trying to give us space, but sometimes it’s a little too much space.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Maybe I’ll eat those words one day, but I really would like to have a relationship with her.  A good one, that is.  I know it’s important to Adam, but it’s also important to me.  So anyways, we’ll see how that goes, and how Adam is acting this morning.

I just don’t feel like I’ve been doing very well lately.  I mean, I’ve been doing well with work, except…well…even that.  I don’t know.  I should be learning a lot more, a lot more quickly for work.  I should be working out and trying to lose these fucking 20 extra pounds I’ve put on over the past year.  I shouldn’t be smoking (although I have been good now for three days, which is a start).  I shouldn’t be screwing around with my meds without my doctor’s input, or popping pills that aren’t meant for me, etc.  I shouldn’t be spending so much money.  I just shouldn’t shouldn’t shouldn’t…shouldn’t be doing the things I am doing.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I do have good moments as well, and I do also do positive things, like cooking, for example.  But I could do so much better than how I’ve been behaving lately.  It kind of makes me a little sick sometimes.  It makes me so very disappointed in myself.

So that’s that.  I think I am going to go get ready for work now.  Paul was out all last week, and he’ll be out again starting next Thursday for two and a half weeks, so I’m really trying to get a lot of stuff done around there before he leaves.  I’ll write more soon, but until then, much love…

Thoughts?

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