Reflection from November 18th, 2008 @ Age 27
RE: WHY IT’S SO DIFFICULT TO BE SO DIFFERENT IN A SOCIETY THAT PREFERS PERFECTION OVER BEAUTY.
You know, I kind of wish I would have had someone to tell me when I was graduating from college that maybe there are some corporations out there that do good, maybe corporations that I would want to work for. Or maybe tell me that there are jobs like editing mathematics books for kids in middle and high school. I kind of just wish I would have figured out that there are so many different options out there, that the law is really just one of them. One very very expensive one. While my friends were busy making and saving money, I was busy spending money that was not mine, by the boatload every semester. I borrowed the maximum you can borrow and always ended up owing my parents money by the end of the semester, which I would pay out from the next semester’s fund. I was busy spending exorbitant amounts of money on stupid fucking schooling and my friends were out busy making money and buying shit. Finding cool shit to do, going out, beings with friends. Living normal lives.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Normal people like to go out and be seen and talk and be around other people. That normal human contact scares the bejesus out of me. So I don’t know what’s wrong with me then. Why you might ask, am I so afraid of social contact? Well I guess because I fear I might not have anything to say, or I’ll get into a situation that I don’t know how to deal with. Which brings me to another concern I have with human contact; I am always so concerned that I said something that might have offended someone. Like for instance I wrote Dana this long email about law school and made suggestions for editing her essay and now I haven’t heard from her in days and I’m concerned she was offended by my advice. It was really general advice. I mean, I only said that she had a lot of ideas packed into two pages, and maybe it might flow a little better if she takes out a few of the ideas so she can really focus in on the others. Well anyways, it’s just a concern of mine, that I’m always so worried about whether I offended someone. It all just makes me want to throw in the towel, but then I think about getting all glammed up with clothes and hair and makeup and going out to some fancy schmancy party where they give you presents and have really incredible people to talk to and my heart aches for that which I cannot have. Or maybe I can, I’m just stopping myself from obtaining that sort of human contact. I don’t know. It just seems a little strange to me that while most other normal human beings are grouping animals and therefore socially inclined, I am not. I am different, or maybe I’m not different at all. Maybe I’m different because I’m just a chicken shit who can’t overcome her fears. Or maybe I feel fear much more deeply than most other people, and what’s stopping me really is some kind of disorder.
I really don’t know. All I have to say on an opposite note is that I went downtown to the Probate Court to do some filing today and had a blast! I’m really starting to get to know a bunch of the clerks down there and they all love me and one calls me sweetheart and I just had so much fun. I took my anti-anxiety medication before I went down there though, a big dose. So you know, I just don’t know what the hell’s wrong with me. Sometimes I have these breakthrough moments where I actually do connect with other people and it makes me feel so good and so whole inside, but most of the time I am the opposite. I get tongue tied and scared and worried about what other people think of me and then I get stuck in my head and can’t find my way out. It’s just an odd phenomenon, that’s all.