ON LEARNING — How *Not* To Be Ashamed Of Myself.

Reflection from April 10th, 2009 @ Age 27

RE:  THE ETHICAL DILEMMA WITH A SOCIETY THAT VALUES PERFECTION (A.K.A. “PRETTY”) OVER IMPERFECTION (A.K.A. BEAUTY).

Hey.  It’s been awhile.  I’ve been insecure as ever.  I wrote Tiffani today and told her all about my life, well not all about my life but I told her I got sick in law school and it took me four years and I couldn’t take the bar exam, and I told her about my job and how it’s a “good opportunity”, and I told her about plan A, and I said that the book’s about a girl who is bipolar and the things that she goes through.  I said, it’s very familiar to me if you know what I mean.  I wonder if she’ll get that it’s about me. 

Anyways, it makes me uneasy sharing my life with others.  It makes me very uneasy.  I told Jim today (the leader of the Wake Up to Your Life Group) that part of the reason I feel so stupid lately is because I can’t remember simple things and I said I think I’ve been having problems with my memory because of a medication that I have to take.  Did I really have to tell Tiffani I was bipolar and Jim that I take medication?  Did I?  Or was I supposed to hide that information.  It’s hard because taking medication and being bipolar is such an intricate part of my life, it’s just hard to separate it and tuck it away from the world so that I can appear perfect and untouchable. 

When I talk to people I find that I ask them personal questions.  I think they wonder why I would ask things like that, though I could be wrong because I really have no idea what they are thinking. 

Anyways, I ask personal questions because I’m interested in personal details, not the stupid fucking bullshit that people usually shoot around.  I feel like people think I’m weird because I do ask personal questions and because I am marred with bipolar and medication.  If I let them in, won’t they think I’m even more strange and then run? 

I find that I’m also a very intense person.  I think this turns most people off.  I don’t think they can handle it.  But really I’m attributing all my own experience to all of these other people who might be so super nice and who could maybe just love me as I am.  I have to wade through the people who will run from me to get to the people who will love me as I am.  I hate that. 

Katie has a baby girl named Layla.  Can you believe it?  I don’t even know what to say.  I want to be happy for her but instead I am partly envious of her and where she is in her life because I think that’s maybe where I would like to be in my life.  I’m comparing my life to hers.  My buddhahood is better than your buddhahood.  Hahah that saying reminds me of how silly it is to compare myself to others.  I wish to find a wonderful man and get married and make babies together, and I just might have that.  I might get more than I ever could have hoped for.  But there’s no way to tell for sure.  I hate that too.

I feel like I have nothing pertinent to say.  I’ll leave you with that then, and try to experience life in the present instead of dwelling on the past and worrying about the future.  That’s very Buddhist of me ;0)  How very proud I am!

Later

Ohh I meant to say, I’ve been off of Seroquel for two weeks now and I was noticing today at work and yesterday too that my memory is coming back.  I really think that fucking medication was messing with my head.  And of course the drug was approved earlier than it probably should have been so the drug company could make all its goddamn money, before really studying the long-term effects of the drug.  But in any case, my memory’s coming back and that’s a wonderfully wonderful thing!

Thoughts?

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