Reflection from November 10th, 2002 @ Age 21
RE: NOT FITTING IN.
Okay, well, two days later…ahh well. I’m in the library about to study and proud to say so, yeah me!
I am so annoyed with—! The bitch offered me up to drive her down to the art building after lunch at Curtis, while I was going to the library that is right by Curtis. Not to mention she wouldn’t even give me a lousy cigarette to do the favor because she only had one left in her pack, though she had another open pack in her bag. Bitch bitch bitch! After we wake ’n bake with my shit. Bitch!
Fucking brownnoser educational academia piece of shit snob! Kiss my ass! Hah, so I left early from breakfast as soon as I was done and she was stuffing her fat fucking face with the waffle she made — make her! Bitch!
Ahem…next topic…where do I begin? Ohh so much to say. I’ve been realizing that Danny very much so may not be the one. It’s very frustrating. I feel very much ready for bigger things. Is that better though?
Ohh I am motherfucking sick of feeling like my choice to not fill my stomach with beer until I either have to puke it all out or shit it all out the next day, is not okay. I don’t understand how people are still doing this all the fucking time, every weekend, three years later. When does this stop? I suppose for me next fall in law school. Will I be sad then and miss it? Will I feel like I should have been doing that? Because I definitely am not thinking anything of the sort at the moment. I just feel so tired of being here. But I cannot tell if it is the usual almost-to-the-end-of-the-semester, still with-no-motherfucking-days-off syndrome. Damn this school. I can’t imagine what this is going to look like in five, ten, twenty years. What will I think of Denison then? The same? Won’t care? Ahh what if’s are a curious thing.
I have not been working out the past two weeks. I got a magazine to help motivate. I’ve found myself caught in many situations when I had to be with or around people and absolutely hating the feeling of not having my own time for myself.
I hate not being able to tell — to get the hell out of the room when — invites her in. I hate her being butt buddies with Jes and Stef now. Bitch! Why do I hate her? Or at least get the feelings that I do?
I dunno, I just think she’s a self-centered snobby bitch. Bitch bitch bitch. I’m trying to get this all out on paper so I don’t have to feel it anymore. Bitch. Okay. I’m going to work on homework until I can think clearly and about other things I would like to write about!
Okay, I thought of another biggie. I have been arguing with my art professor all motherfucking week because she rejected two Picasso paintings I chose to master study because she didn’t think they were rich enough in the techniques she is interested in. The bitch! Ohh and — is butt buddies with this lady too…figures! Their both motherfucking bitches! Ohh I have so much pent up anger. I’ve just been getting really fucking annoyed with stupid people who are so fucking blind it makes me sick. It makes me sick that I sometimes feel exactly the same feeling.
I’m angry because none of my friends have a problem smoking all of my weed with me, but are so stingy when it comes to their weed. I’m angry because I feel a lot of times like I need to smoke some weed or a cigarette. I hate that feeling. I hate that — can be such a bitch when she is supposed to be one of my best friends. I am angry that I have not written out my fucking personal statement still! I’m angry that I don’t have LSAT scores ‘good enough’ to get me into a place like UVA. I’m still mad at Dave for not wanting to be with me the way I wanted to be with him, or at least get to know him without being toyed with. I’m angry that Danny always thinks I am toying with him. How can he not know/trust my intentions eight and a half months into this? I’m angry I don’t fit into my favorite pair of jeans from last year. I’m angry that I have to take the birth control, and I have to wait to catch the cum so it doesn’t get all over my underwear after Danny and I play. I’m angry I can’t orgasm! Ahh there is just so much. I promise I will try to write more often. God knows I could use it.
I want this to be my senior year diary. I must fill before the year is over. Life will be very different next year and if it sucks I need to have something to remind me of the good and bad so I won’t overly miss it. Gahh!