ON THE POWER — Of Love.

Reflection from November 16th, 2008 @ Age 27

RE:  MY FIRST TRUE LOVE.

Man, I went swimming at the gym today for about 45 minutes (taking numerous long winded breaks in between laps of course) and I feel like I ran a marathon or something!  I’m absolutely exhausted!

I went over to John’s last night and it was pretty fun.  We went grocery shopping and I cooked this spaghetti squash and homemade tomato sauce for John and April, and I brought them cookies which were delicious of which we ate many, we had some wine, talked a lot and just generally had a really good time.  Or at least I did anyways.  Well, I was talking to April outside when we were having a cigarette in John’s garage and I ended up telling her about Dave and how I loved him even though he was a real jackass sometimes and she was so very nice about it all.  She said we can’t help who we love and that you can’t go back and say I wish I did this and I wish I did that because nothing can be changed and you can’t beat yourself up like that.  Well anyways, I told her that he’s the reason why I got this Star of David on my foot and she said that was interesting because John knew I had it on my foot, but didn’t really know why.  And that got me to start thinking about how I don’t regret that I got it on my foot because I love all my tattoos dearly, but sometimes it doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense even to me as to why I got it.  The universe was just so clear then, it seemed like such a brilliant and inspired idea at the time.  These things happen as we grow up, we do things now we wouldn’t do in a million years a few years down the road.  But this is different, not only because this Star is very visible on my body, but also because I don’t want to fall into the confusion as to why I got the damn thing in the first place. 

I got this Star of David on my foot because I missed Dave and never wanted to forget him.  I know we were never close friends, and I hadn’t spoken to the boy in years, but sometimes I think the idea is not so much who that person was as it is what that person did for you.  Now Dave could be a real douchebag, don’t get me wrong.  Nothing will ever change that.  But I loved that boy so passionately for so long and that is important, because there are few other things in my entire life that I ever felt so damn passionate about.  I think the idea is more that Dave brought out this enormous capacity to love within myself, this capacity for forgiveness, and in that sense I don’t know that I’ll ever repay him.  What I gained from my relationship was mostly what I had already had with me all the time, but he was the one who drew it out of me in the first place, and for that I will always be grateful.

I don’t know why, but I loved that boy with all my might for a long, very long time.  What strikes me as important too, is that I hardly remember much from my middle school and high school years, but I remember almost every encounter that Dave and I ever had.  It’s not often we can recall with such clarity the ferocity of life we enveloped at one point in our youth, so very long ago.  Like I said, I don’t know why I loved him so, but I loved Dave with every fiber of my being for probably the entirety of my life.  I loved him still, even after I had to let him go.  A love like that is worth commemorating.  So while it may be difficult to explain without going into some great detail, I never want to forget why I bear this Star of David upon my body.  We have few great loves throughout our lives, and Dave will always and forever be my very first.

One thought on “ON THE POWER — Of Love.

  1. Pingback: ON FALLING IN LOVE — And The Magical Third Being, Created Therefrom ;0) | THE CULTIVATION OF BEAUTY

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