Reflection from November 28th, 2002 @ Age 21
RE: TURNING OUT TO BE LIKE MY GRANDMOTHER — IN THE ***BEST*** SENSE ;oD
My unhappiness. I think that is about the only thing that has run constant throughout my life thus far. I’m never happy with myself. Nothing is ever enough. I don’t want it to be like this but I don’t quite know how to change. Well, I mean I am starting out with the obvious, diet and exercise—or shall I say a better, more healthy consumption of food…I am not dieting. I do not believe in that bullshit anymore because a quick fix is just that. Quick. It never lasts. But back to the subject…I always want to be somewhere, anywhere but where I am at and I am motherfucking sick of it.
Problems, problems. Where to start? Well, Danny seems like a good place since that has been on my mind, ohh I dunno…all the fucking time. He has been driving me crazy. He always wants to fucking slow things down more and more such that he never has to make any sort of commitment. I mean, I see the value in going slow because we will be graduating this May and who knows what will happen from there. But I feel like he just uses it as a tool to not ever have to get into anything deep. And he gets mad at me when he doesn’t know where I am or who I am with, but when he says he will call on motherfucking Friday and is at OSU all fucking weekend and I don’t hear from him till I call his home Sunday night—he *just* can’t figure out why I am mad at him. Well fuck you Danny! Fuck you for taking me for granted, fuck you for taking it as goddamn slow as you please, fuck you Danny for fucking with me. I swear to god I get more angry the more I think about it. Angry with the world. That should just be my motto. I should get it tattooed on my forehead for god’s sake! I am sick of this bullshit! Am I really destined to turn out like my father? And god forbid like my grandmother? I think I would rather die tomorrow. (Well…maybe not, but you know what I mean.)
And grrr…how the hell am I going to make it to the end of this semester? I know I always do. But looking forward at it, I don’t know how the hell I am going to get everything done. It frightens me sometimes.
Also, I have been thinking I want to volunteer next semester and possibly more after Denison. I figure if I can’t be happy with myself, I might as well use my resources to try to make somebody else’s life more happy. At least then someone could benefit from my existence. Can you still give in such a mental tangle? Ugh. I’m going to bed.