Reflection from February 19th, 2009 @ Age 27
RE: WHEN YOU ALMOST KILL YOURSELF SEARCHING FOR THE EXCEPTION—ONLY TO FIND OUT ***YOU*** WERE THE EXCEPTION ALL ALONG ;0)
One day closer to impending doom. I’m eagerly awaiting the bar exam if you can’t tell. No word from Stacey. With my luck Judd will already have a girlfriend. Hell, he’ll probably be engaged by the time Brian gets around to asking him. I’m not feeling very good about that right now in case you can’t tell. And I’m still struggling with the permanency of this Star of David on my foot. I can’t believe it’s forever. I can’t believe I’m going to have a symbol evidencing my love for David Magoon on my body for everyone to see forever. It’s really so embarrassing having to explain. I really wish I didn’t go and do that but I guess it’s a part of me now. I better get used to it. And it’s not hideous or anything, and once I publish my book it will make much more sense to people in general I think. If that ever happens, that is. I’m not feeling so good today. I don’t feel sick, but I do feel uncomfortable. I don’t understand how people meet people at the gym. I go to the gym, go through my usual routine and get the hell out of the gym. I don’t really go there to hang out if you know what I mean. I guess that’s how they do it. They must go to the gym to hang out or some bullshit like that. I can’t wait to visit Danielle in April. I think I’m going to try to save money and pay off my credit card debt the rest of this year. My mind is all over the place but where it really needs to be is practicing more MPTs. So here we go…I can’t escape the fun!
Alright, I’m terrible at the MPTs too. I’m terrible at it all. I wish I didn’t have to subject myself to the horror it will be taking the bar exam knowing full well I am not even close to being adequately prepared to take it. It’s like torture having to go through this.
So I told Jes about the whole Judd scenario and as I continued to write it just seemed more and more ridiculous. I mean, who’s going to want to date me long distance from NYC? And what guy’s going to love me so much as to want to support my move to NYC to be with him? It just seems ridiculous all around. Except when it comes to Judd. I just wonder if he’s the exception. I wonder if he and I are the exception. I could work on passing the Ohio bar and then move there and study and take the NY bar as well. Study and study more fulltime when I get to NYC and take the bar exam and pass it there as well. I’ll pass it here and I’ll pass it there and then I’ll become a lawyer if that’s what I want, and if it’s not what I want, I work on becoming what it is I want to be. Like, a writer. I’ll work on finishing my book and finding a book agent and hell with the bar exams, I’ll work on getting my big book deal and that will pay off my law school debt and then some, and then I will be free to live my life as I see fit. Then I will be free. Until then I am bound to the shackles of my law degree. Unless I find someone who can afford and who wants to help me. Someone who believes in me and in my idea for this book. Someone who’s determined to make this ending happy. I can finish my book and study to become a mom, and then get preggers and have my first baby when I’m 29. Ohh isn’t dreaming grand? I wonder how awful my real life is going to be. I wonder how much more unfulfilling it will become. I wonder if anyone could ever love me so much, they could love me more than life itself.
This is absolutely ridiculous. I’m supposed to be able to read through an entire file and prepare an outline for the MPT in 45 minutes and I can barely read through it in that time. This is just a ridiculously serious impending doom about to fall upon me. And I can’t do a damn thing about it. It’s too late to get anything more done. I just have to let it befall me.
I’m pretty sure my head’s about to explode. Ohh god…