Reflection from June 15th, 2013 @ Age 31
RE: RISING ABOVE A FAULTY MEMORY WITH *TECHNICAL* SUPPORT ;oD
I have to act blessed. I have not been acting it.
That’s the difference. That’s what I’ve been missing.
We are all blessed and cursed in some way, shape or form. That is a fact, you can challenge me on it; I will win. But whether we are in fact blessed and/or cursed is a choice. It is a choice we get to choose through action.
I have not been acting as though I am blessed. My focus has been on all the trips and vacations my soon-to-be-ex-husband is taking while I have no money to do anything at all but sit at home at my parents’ house where I now live. My focus has been misplaced. I have not been living as if, god, am I blessed to have a set of parents to take me in, who are willing to help me get this crazy illness under control, and who will put up with me in the meantime when it cannot be controlled. I have not been acting as if, god, I may be without extra money right now, but I sure am blessed to have a beautiful laptop computer and wireless internet so I can sit on the comfy couch in my parents’ loft or outside on their beautiful porch and write all these thoughts, all these beautiful thoughts that might otherwise be lost.
My focus has been displaced. It has been dissipated. It has been all but obliterated. All but, all except; all except that it has not.
I am blessed and I am cursed. But I am blessed so much more if I can act it. Thinking is not enough. To think a thought of helping another is not the same as helping another. I must act blessed in order to be it. That is the only option.
I think to keep up with this and remain sane at the same time, once I hit that “publish” button, I must be done. I must be done creating whatever it was that I had been creating, not only because it would forever after that point be impossible to take back for recreation, but also and more importantly because it is mere distraction from creating the next thing. There is so much distraction in this world to keep me from creating the next thing. Distraction is the illusion; creation is what is real. I must remember this always; I must internalize it and burn it into my being.
I’m not sure there’s any process much greater than growing a thick skin while maintaining a soft, good heart.