Reflection from June 21st, 2011 @ Age 30
RE: THE LONG ROAD TO FREEDOM — FINDING MY BEST FRIEND INSIDE MYSELF ;0P
It’s funny how things can look so picture perfect on the outside, and how such things can actually be picture perfect on the inside too, and then how that all changes in like, I don’t even know, just before your fucking eyes it does. Or maybe it’s while you’re not watching, something. It’s really both.
I knew Adam had anger issues before we got married. I was an idiot. I should have never married him, or at least not until he got that all resolved. Now we’re married and there’s nothing I can do about it, not one damn thing. I can’t believe this is happening to me. It hasn’t even been a year.
I see now, why I’ll be damned for wanting to live someone else’s life. It’s true though. I was so busy, so caught up in catching up with Danielle and Jen and Stacey and Andy and everyone else my age, in catching up with what they’re doing, what they’re life plans are, that I forgot about what I wanted and replaced it with what everyone else wants instead. I mean, that’s not even perfectly correct because I did want to find someone who I loved who loved me back, and I did want to get married to that person. I wanted that! But I just think I rushed into it all, I was overtaken by the passion and the love and I rushed into things and now I’m sitting here in the corner wishing I were somewhere else. Except, where else could I be?
This whole thing is fucked up. And I have no one to talk to about it. And it’s embarrassing. And there’s nowhere I can go anyways.
I should have known this was going to happen. Or maybe not, I mean, how could I have known? I’ve never been through it before. How would I know? But I knew. There were warning signs. The night before Adam and I got engaged we had a huge fight and Adam asked me if I could handle “who he is” and I said yes. And I said yes because I wanted more than anything to get married. I loved him and I wanted to get married. I don’t know that I thought he would change, but it was either that or that I thought I could handle it. I thought I could handle his anger, and I did, I mean I have for about two years now. But I cannot do it any longer. I don’t know why. I just can’t handle it any longer, not one more goddamn second of it.
I’m so glad I’m realizing this before we have children too. It will give us time to see if we can figure things out. He says he is going to see a counselor, but we’ve been through this before and he couldn’t get an appointment right away with the doctor that my doctor had recommended, and he didn’t persistently follow up, and he never asked me to see if my doc could recommend anyone else. He doesn’t want to do it. I mean he does, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to deal with it, with one more doctor appointment, with one more thing he has to do for his health, with one more burden in his life.
The shitty part is that he totally told me on Friday night that he was sorry about it all, that he knows he has anger issues and a problem with taking them out on me. He totally recognized all of it, and was genuinely sorry. But today, after about three shady comments I couldn’t take it anymore. I told him and he said I needed to get a thicker skin, and I needed to be less sensitive, and that it’s not going to work out if I react this way to every little time he slips up. He said it wasn’t that bad, that his comment didn’t warrant my “over” reaction. I don’t know, maybe he’s right. It’s just that after several comments made with this attitude, combined with his complaints today about what a pain in the ass it’s going to be to find a doctor, I just don’t feel like he cares. I don’t feel like he’s going to do anything about it. I think he’s taking his anger out on me, I feel he’s being mean to me, and half the time he refuses to even recognize that that’s what’s going on.
Something has changed here. I don’t know what it is, but I just can’t take his anger anymore. He told me today he thinks we should get into marriage counseling. I said we should wait to see what happens with him first. I don’t know what the fuck to do. I just can’t believe this is happening to me. I can’t believe this is happening to us.
I have a funny feeling like Adam is going to be reading through these entries, or that he is going to destroy my computer. Honestly, I do. I don’t know whether I am being paranoid or what, but I honestly feel that way. I guess we should try marriage counseling. But honestly, how embarrassing.
I don’t know why it should be embarrassing. It’s probably perfectly natural, after everything we’ve been through, to be having some issues. Maybe. I don’t really know. It’s storming out now.
I don’t want to be alone. I feel that’s where I am headed though, unless I figure something out fast. I don’t know how to do it though. I don’t know where to begin.
How cliché am I?! This is all such a mess. We should not have gotten married. We should have just remained engaged and gotten through the surgery and taken it from there. I mean, how could we have even known what the future would hold?! Why did we feel we had to make that decision so quickly?!
I honestly have no idea what’s going on. I feel like the world is whirling around me and I can’t see five feet in front of me. Adam’s home. We’ll see what happens.
I just can’t believe this is happening.