Reflection from April 17th, 2012 @ Age 30
RE: WHEN SOMEONE SAYS “YOU CAN’T DO IT,” BUT REALLY MEANS TO SAY, “I CAN’T DO IT & SO, I DON’T THINK IT’S FAIR THAT YOU CAN.” ;0)
Well, here I am on day no.3 of book month…
And I haven’t gotten one lick of work yet accomplished.
Well, not on the book anyways—or rather, not directly in any case.
I did in fact email Shelly this morning and tell her how much it meant to me that she posted to Facebook yesterday, this blurb about not judging people with the kinds of illness that are suffered in silence and alone. One of those listed, of course, being bipolar. I told her about how it related to my present struggles with Adam not understanding me and my illness, and then linked back to a thank you because it made a difference to me that she put that post up.
And then, after that, I emailed Melanie from back at Flytz Gymnastics, and told her I was so happy she is a pediatric nurse now, getting to help kids who are struggling with eating disorders just like she once had to struggle through herself with the anorexia when she almost died. And I told her a little about the book to the extent, well, just briefly to explain that I also hoped to do what it was that she has done. That being—to break such a horrible experience down, and then build it back up to create something good and helpful and beautiful.
And then after that, ohh then there was Adam. We’re on better terms than before now because he told his mom last night about all that he and I are grappling with. And basically, to get to the point—she reminded him of how, when he was a kid growing up, how he was not accepted because he was different. And how that all factors in now to have become this need he has to fit in at any cost.
So she brought that self-imposed limitation to his attention, and while I’m not sure whether it will actually change anything or not, she seemed to understand where I was coming from—which helped Adam understand where he is getting in the way.
So! All that aside, I then sent an email to Adam trying in detail to explain to him why I have three framed pictures in the office of no one other than myself. And then, regarding how I was different in college because of how my mind worked and how that was painful, but I still found good because of the acceptance that Jen and Bel gave to me. And that being said, linking the two pictures in a frame together, one of us three (Jen, Bel and I) in our “I heart me” sweatshirts sophomore year, the other a more recent photo of me in thought.
And as for the other set, the Cultivating Beauty photo from fourth year of law school matched up to a recent photo of myself in which I personally feel like I look very beautiful. Those two, linked together as I explained to him, the first being the time just before I fell into the darkness—namely, the time I was still wondering whether it was even possible for my hopes and dreams to come true in this world that we live in.
And then the other one, the one I look beautiful in, to me—represents the beauty I have cultivated within myself along the way as I proceeded down my path and into the darkness, never giving up hope that I would someday again see the light. And then there is the photo of me that is a symbol to me, of my accomplishment due only as a result of keeping that flame of hope alive—which has brought me to present reality where it is that my long lasting dreams are in fact, finally in the process of coming true.
So there’s that, and really it was quite superbly written. And yet, then this is the response he shortly sent back: “Thanks. I get it. I don’t think that about you…have a great day!” Ughh! So frustrating! I just sometimes feel as though it may not even be worth all my effort! How it so very much seems that these people cannot even see what is there to be appreciated.
And I have yet to hear back from Shelly and Mel, but regardless, I am still not going to give up trying. I will always know from those experienced with people in my past, from those words unspoken, that what I have to give cannot even be measured with some manmade unit of value. My worth is without bound, and so, at 10:55am here, I will finally get myself started back to work!
Counting, counting, counting down the days till I am finally at the place where I can string this whole idea together once and for all to see!
On one final note, I swear to you that I know, that I am completely, without doubt and 100% sure, that all this back and forth struggle with Adam, all this time and energy spent this morning as previously described—I know that it is also, completely, for surely and without doubt full of purpose and meaning. I would even dare say also, that such meaning and purpose is, at the very least, nothing less than essential to completing Cultivating Beauty over the next 2-3 weeks.
But I will also say, don’t you know as it were and forever always will be the case—it sure can seem to be one big fat huge waste of my time. That’s how I feel. I will focus on what I know and move forward. But my god how it does still light a fire under these antsy pants!
Aghh! One last thought! That thought being this:
The truth is what it is—but also, what you make of it. Ohh that truth! How very slimy it sometimes can be!!
This is exhausting. I just worked on outlining for two and a half hours straight and it’s like every step I take forward, the goal moves two steps even further away. It would be altogether maddening I think, except I’m just too goddamn tired to care in any case at this present moment.
I am pushing myself to the absolute brink of my potential as I now know it, but still it is so that I am falling short. I know I am capable of more, but I don’t yet know how I can make that a reality. All I know is that I am trying as damn near hard as I possibly can, but I still need more from myself—it is necessary that I push beyond what I perceive still as limitations if I want to create into reality what still remains at present, a mere fantasy of vision within my mind. I know I am capable. I know that I am.
My god and David, you too, I beg of you please! Please help me find my way.
And to that cry, I will mention only one thing more:
I do think this exhaustion is a blessing in disguise (ahh you truth!!!). For if I had my usual energy I would be all kinds of up in arms right now!
David and god, please help me, help me! To figure out how I can unlock this secret potential I hold inside. I’ll be listening and waiting, and I’ll be sure to keep my eye out as well.
Still exhausted. And no concrete answers yet. But I do know a lot more about how to craft “The First 50 Pages” of my fiction novel now ;0)
Ahh (sigh). One foot in front of the other I do go.
Well, never did make it back to outlining today. I did, however, make my way back to the (agh!) beginning of my novel this afternoon. After reading “the first 50”, er, the section regarding first lines of novels anyway, I was simply intrigued and had to go and see what mine actually are.
And that I did, except then—I could not stop. And when I finally cut myself off at summer of 2001, I was already drenched in tears. I’m not sure how it is even possible, but the layers are just simply without end! Really it is, the whole motherfucking thing, it’s nothing other than absofuckinglutely mind-boggling. Except, of course, the one other small matter of being so absolutely heartbreaking that you’re simply not sure whether you should run outside and save someone, or just stay in and go ahead with killing yourself.
So, I mean, WTF?!?! What a motherfucking ridiculous thing to be! An inherently and fundamentally paradoxical contradiction! It’s so perfect though, for what more fitting book could I possibly write? Than this one which in both of the cases, both is and is not at the very same goddamn time!
Ohh truth and perception! And don’t forget that evil time, too! How cunning and clever and completely contradicting you are! No wonder it is that whomever does see you, is dissolved into little much more than the madness you gave to them. You cloak yourself in light of such seeming goodness, but then you blind all the same with the darkness of evil, what little truth that you are…