Reflection from March 3rd, 2014 @ Age 32
RE: THE CREATIVE PROCESS.
Life fucking blows man. It just fucking sucks—I just got a rejection from some idiot “beat” writer in DC and the AG’s office doesn’t apparently seem at all interested in me. I don’t know how the fuck I’m ever going to find a job; and I cannot see how things possibly could work out at this point. I guess that’s what happens though, when you journey out and about into the wild, wild rugged terrain of the unknown.
So in that sense, then, it’s not so bad I suppose. I’m pretty brave you know—like, pretty fucking courageous and all, and that will help me figure out this unknown path before me. So that’s good—I mean, at least it’s something. And I’m super smart too, which will help. And really a bunch of other wonderful things as well; so that helps, to remember those things too. Really, I just want a cigarette right now—but then I will waste the time and money and energy driving to the gas station, purchasing cigarettes (another whole pack, sigh…), then drive home, feel bad about buying more cigarettes, feel bad about wasting my time going to buy cigarettes (and then of course, the time I will spend smoking all of them, and of course, lest we forget, cleaning up their mess), you know all of those things—thinking about incurring cancer as I smoke on my cancer-sticks, should I go and purchase them, which I will not. But it helps to write out these thoughts; just get ‘em out a my head and that sort of thing. I just feel blue—more so than anything.
So, I’m not sure what to do about that. I mean, actually, I think maybe I just need to feel it. And then, probably express it after that—after I’ve processed it, I mean. Because usually then after that, whatever’s making me feel sad starts to then make me feel mad—and then after that, the fire is lit from underneath and I move into action. So maybe this is a good thing, here where I am at—maybe it is just part of the creative process. Maybe it is just a part of the evolving nature of recovery you know? Maybe it’s all just an evolving process when you are an artist, and you just have to have faith in the process—and believe everything will be okay—and then create beauty from darkness, which will then lead me back into the light. I mean, maybe I am supposed to be feeling this way you know? Maybe I am just exactly where I am meant to be at this very moment. Seems a little too uncomfortable to be true—but then, who the hell ever said the truth was comfortable?!!