ON THE SOUL INVESTMENT — Will Returned To The Power Of Infinity ;0)

Reflection from March 1st, 2014 @ Age 32

RE:  THE *WORTH* OF WANDERING (A.K.A. SPIRITUAL TRAINING).

I kind of feel like killing myself today; I mean, not really—only because things seem so utterly hopeless again.  It’s so frustrating…

I have all this shit to do, I mean the fucking list is never ending—and yet, it feels in this moment as if nothing ever comes from all this work that I put in.  Like nothing I ever do is good enough to make happen the results I seek for my end.  I mean, I’m not at my end, but I don’t know—I guess I’m just feeling behind again.

I think about all of my peers who are married with houses and jobs and children, and I don’t know why I imagine all of their lives so dreamily—I know that’s not the reality.  But I dream it to be anyway; probably because that is what I dream for my reality.  And I’m just getting confused in that theirs’ are all so very normal—and not so very grand and dreamy and whimsical as are the thoughts that I dream.  What a disappointment—reality can be.

I took another slam at Terry Russell last week—except, this time, a serious blow to his reputation.  And it’s really rather quite frightening to be frank—to have to be the one; it’s rather terrifying to “have balls” as they say.  I hate when they say that to me, but it just keeps happening—all the time now it seems, that’s what they’re saying to me.

It’s very scary.  And that’s, that.  There’s really not a whole lot more to the story other than my legs are getting fat (perhaps), because I haven’t been weight training as of late; I am on day no.1 (again) for non-smoking; my contacts are dry; I have to clean the bathroom—it’s so dirty again; I don’t know everhow, I am going to find a job; I still need to do my budget—a thought for which I harbor great fear (and, most notably—justifiably so).  I don’t know if Terry Russell and NAMI Ohio are going to sue me for “slander” as they chose to label it—I don’t think it would be a great idea on their part publicly speaking, in terms of PR; and I have no money, so it’s not like there’s any bounty they could come after me to recover anyway.  I mean, it just seems so unlikely—which is exactly why I feel like I am going to be served with a complaint for defamation on Monday.  I don’t know…we’ll see.

We’ll see what happens.  I wonder if anyone else in this entire world has to just keep saying that to themselves, over and over again on refrain in their brain—because it always seems as if nothing in the meanwhile works out as was planned.  Nothing here, is working out as was planned.  But then again—what, were the plans?

Hmm…

And really, that’s an interesting thought…

It brings “Tweed Queen” to mind immediately, hah…

And I am a legit, licensed lawyer now here in the State of Ohio ;0)

And I also have a terrific wardrobe!!  And I am on my way to becoming a writer, and I am out of all of those abusive relationships I used to be in.  And I did maneuver my way around all those fucking mental-health land mines, so as to finally obtain an official and notably, correct diagnosis—and I did finally find the help I so very much needed, after all those years of aimlessly searching for it.  I just don’t know…

I was walking around the store at the corner of Main Street across from Taylor’s Pharmacy in downtown Granville this past Thursday.  It was the day after I stayed up all night writing that last email to Terry Russell, just following my 1pm photo shoot with Amy at Altier—so, it was about 4pm by this time and I was running on no sleep at all, not one wink.  And I was in this store smelling candles and looking at blown glass paper weights—and these two women came by, right fucking beside me they came, like I think the one lady even fucking touched me, elbow to elbow—and so I backed away, even though I was there first looking at those trinkets on the table, and they were so rude as to come along and knock me right out of the way.  But I looked elsewhere, and after not too long they left (which was nice)—and then I went back to that same table, and I found upon it, a clear heart made of glass.  It was a clear glass heart with this pink blob of blown glass trapped right in the middle—and I’d swear to you, I mean—I kid you not, it’s like this heart made of glass has got a pink brain pumping inside it.  It is a glass heart, with a brain inside of it.  I don’t know why that seemed so symbolic and fascinating to me before, earlier this morning when I thought of it.  I think I’m tired now is why.  I think I’m too tired to remember why.  Ohh well…

I guess that’s the story—I’m so tired sometimes, that I forget to remember to be grateful; and all the other times, I’m so blown up with gratitude that I’d believe anything is possible.  This just is, what it is—I just am, as I am; there is no changing this.  So, I guess I’m just going to have to get used to it.  I would think I would be by now—but I’m tired and so I would too be forgetting then, that I’ve really only just begun this new adventure I’m now journeying on.  I mean, it hasn’t even been six months’ time as of yet—and I’d swear to you so badly, I just want a cigarette ;0(

Ohh well…

Such is life.  I am, who I am—namely, a brilliantly beautiful woman.  Hah…

And there’s my smile…

My dear prudence ;0)

Thoughts?

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