Reflection from September 24th, 2011 @ Age 30
RE: WHEN YOU SEE YOURSELF *THROUGH* OTHERS—SUCH THAT YOUR JUDGMENT AS TO THEIR CHARACTER, IS NOTHING MORE THAN A REFLECTION OF YOUR SELF.
I had a dream Thursday night, which is odd because I hardly ever dream when I am sleeping anymore. Lol, I must do so much of it during the day that my brain just needs to rest at night or something—but in any case, I had a dream.
In my dream—Dave came to me. He found me and he held me until I awoke in the morning. And somehow, just for a moment, when I woke up—I remembered what it felt like to be held by him. It was indescribable. He came to me in my dream.
Also dreaming that night, was my husband. Adam had a dream the very same night, that he was working in the garage and a big ol’ snake came up and bit him two times. Lol, I don’t know if there’s any relation—but, it’s a bit coincidental and surely makes me laugh if nothing else ;0)
Ohh my David—how I miss you, you will never know. But then I wonder—will he? Could he possibly be aware? I just don’t know. It’s so very difficult to tell from where I am standing. I don’t know the answer to that question; all I know is that I read my entry from August 10th, 2002 the other day, and it made me so very fucking sad—I had wished way back when that I would never speak to Dave again, and reading that—remembering that wish I’d made once upon a time, made me feel wretched inside. And a few days later, Dave found me in my dreams and he held me—and it’s just all very coincidental that those things would happen in that order, within such close proximity. How curious these things can be!
Well, I spoke with Jen the other night. I was very angry with myself for buying a (beautiful) Anthropologie dress for $178, jewelry to match for $100, and then I still had shoes and a sweater to go and all—to impress these friends of Adam who tend to be pretentious assholes when they’re all grouped together, and I just became so angry with myself for trying to “keep up with the Jones’s” when I knew better than to spend money solely based upon that motivation. So anyways, I was pissed—so I called JenJen and she made me feel a lot better. And then I felt really bad for writing those nasty words about her in my last entry, and I think really I’m just mad for feeling like I have lost her, and for feeling guilty in that—part of that, was my fault in having let her read my journals. Lol! And here I am, working on getting my journals published! Well, the final product will be refined and thematic and different than the raw entries, but sometimes I think I’m just mad at myself and I take it out on others and it’s very unfair.
Well, I’m also mad that Jen became materialistic, but I know my JenJen is still in there somewhere—she comes out from time to time; but sometimes it’s so hard to see that in her a lot of the time, and it makes me angry that she, or I, or whom-the-fuck-ever, took her genuine self away from me. It’s just kind of like she lost her best side, and replaced it with this girl who’s always trying—always trying to be witty and always buying the newest shit and always talking about how much money she has; and it just makes me angry—because, it really makes me sad. I don’t know what to do about the situation really, all I know is that it makes me sad.
And I think that’s it for now. I don’t really have a whole lot else to say. I’m going to a wedding today with these fraternity friends of Adam’s, so we’ll see how that goes. I’ve decided I’m going to treat the situation as practice for when I am promoting my book and have to make small talk with people I don’t really know or necessarily feel comfortable around. I think that should help—but then again I’m not sure, so we shall see. But, in either case, I found a beautiful pair of shoes to match my beautiful dress and beautiful jewelry, so I will look wondrous all the same!