Reflection from September 8th, 2013 @ Age 32
RE: HE SAYS, THIS DIDN’T **USED** TO BE CONSIDERED RACIST/SEXIST/MISOGYNISTIC BEHAVIOR; I SAY, IRRELEVANT — PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE, IS PSYCHOLOGICAL **ABUSE** YO.
I just got done talking to —’s boss who is bipolar and quite frankly, my mind is now all sorts of blown wide open. She didn’t find out she was bipolar until she was like 65, and wishes she would have found out in her 20s or 30s. I found out in my 20s. I got my life back on track, and now I’m in my 30s talking to her—listening, about how she manages her illness without the medications. It’s fascinating really—it just blows the fucking lid off. I wish I had a better way of describing what is going on here in my head, but that’s the best I’ve got. My mind is just blown wide open right now.
It seems almost now, like there is going to be nothing I can’t do or achieve in my life. I’m not talking becoming an astronaut or the fucking president of the U.S. of A. here, but I am talking about my dreams—and I can’t really figure out why, but it’s like right now, in this moment, I feel like I will be able to come off the meds, manage the downside of the illness, and allow myself to fly on the high side. And I feel like that is the key—I feel like that is how I’m going to finish writing my baby, I feel like that is going to get me past this hump of normalcy crap, and over into the hemisphere where I am supposed to be. Where I am meant to be.
It’s almost like what she said validates what I used to think could be true—but then was shot down for believing, and forced to retreat into this dizzy haze of reality. I don’t know. I mean, I like want to fucking start tomorrow!!! But she spoke very meaningfully also though, about the import of planning and about having a support network in place, about taking all measures necessary including diet, sleep, etc. to keep my mental health in check—not placing myself in a situation that would cause me to lose my stability. I don’t know. I just am awestruck—I can hardly believe what is happening right now.
It’s like this lady that I don’t even know just shared a secret with me that is going to make all the difference—all the difference between living an ordinary life chasing normalcy, and living the extraordinary life that was meant for me. I can’t even describe it. God I wish I had a better phrase than mind-blowing; it sounds so stupid and does no justice—but man, at the same time, that’s just what it’s done. I’m in all kinds of awe right now. So much so, that I just don’t even know what else to say.
I suppose I just came to presume from what others had told me and really, my own experience prior to getting into full swing with the meds—that this would never be possible. But she said don’t be alone—have a support group surrounding you, always evaluate every action you take, just everything in regard to your mental health, etc. etc. I couldn’t do that then—but now, I can. So maybe it is possible now. Maybe it is true that the illegal drugs were part of the mental illness that I had, but now that I’ve been off of them for more than several years—that influence is no longer there influencing me into mental instability.
Maybe this is going to be possible. Maybe I was meant to be extraordinary. Maybe these meds are inhibiting my creativity, and maybe it will be possible now to manage the lows that lie beneath. I don’t even know what else to say I’m so fucking excited. I’m sitting here and my heart is slowly racing and I can’t believe this is happening. It’s like my whole world has just been changed in the span of a one-hour telephone conversation. Who knew this could happen? Certainly and for damn sure, not I—but I’m so glad that it is ;0) I feel the whole world is now my oyster within which to play. I cannot even believe this is happening this very day.
I’ve got some serious, very very serious research to get done here in the next few weeks. I’m going to begin researching and then, I’m going to begin writing my plan for my departure from these medications. Holy shit. I cannot believe this is happening. I hope it’s not too good to be true.
You know it’s funny; they all used to tell me that the first year would be the hardest—all those firsts without my ex-husband would be the hardest, and then it would get easier. In light of that, it’s funny I would get to have the above-conversation on the last eve of that one-year mark. I don’t know if “funny” is the right word, but you know what I mean.