ON FIGURING OUT HOW TO FILL — All The Dang **Holes** Inside Myself ;oD

Reflection from September 30th, 2015 @ Age 34

RE:  TRAGEDY IN THE SHORT-RUN; DIVINE COMEDY IN THE LONG ;0)

2:25am

Well, I just finished up a *lovely* two-hour texting session with Drew from Senator Coley’s office—and I do feel so compelled to write out in the record here, despite the very LATE hour {!} ;0)

That I’ve never craved *good guy* quite like this, before ;0)

It’s very exciting to find that I am healing—after all this time!

5:53pm

I don’t know how I can reconcile a past full of men who hated me with a future full of men who love me.  The stimulus is Drew Hawking at Senator Coley’s office and I don’t know WHY I should let him, love me.  Does he even deserve to love me?  If he loves me, does that mean I have to hate myself?  I’m so very fucked up ;o(

Lol…

It’s so bizarre to think these thoughts and listen to Heart’s “Will You Be There” at the same time.

Knowing.

How can a human being —BEAR— this?  Alone…

6:41pm

I’m looking at pictures from my childhood and every one just about, reminds me of the pain I felt because my mother was not around.  The pain I felt because I did not know how to understand that she did not have the —CHOICE— to be with me.  To spend time with me.  To love me.  She just couldn’t.  It is what it is.  That is all there is to it.

I know what it means to do your best, to be the best you can be and still not be good enough—because that was my mother’s experience.  I don’t know how to release it.  No man will ever be able to fill the hole my mother left inside me.

6:48pm

Well, except perhaps for Marshall Bruce Mathers III, lol ;0)

7:24pm

Looking at pics from my past kinda makes me want to kill myself; it’s interesting—for the first time {almost half-serious} since I began the mental-health legislative advocacy.  It’s so sad.

Thinking back, it makes me so sad to think how long I held onto hope in nothingness.  And to think now, that what I have —IS— nothingness.  How could this be heaven?

7:28pm

It’s just hard to think, if this is just the second gray day in a row this fall—how am I going to live through the entire winter?  It hurts just thinking about it.

7:35pm

I just feel like such a —MESS—!  A vulnerable mess I guess, with Andrew…

Fuck him.  No.  iHurt ;o(

I don’t know what to do.

One thought on “ON FIGURING OUT HOW TO FILL — All The Dang **Holes** Inside Myself ;oD

  1. Pingback: ON LEARNING — To Love Myself ;0) | JANE SAYS

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