Reflection from July 1st, 2011 @ Age 30
RE: RAGS, TO **RICHES** ;oD
Well, I think I’ve got it all figured out. I’m going to bill 7.25 hours/day for the next 19 weeks, 4 days per week. That’ll give me a 3-day weekend every week, during which time I can focus on the book and I suppose any other miscellaneous shit I have to get done. I’ll just have to work out on those three days off, and shower at night, and stay at work four days a week until I can get my hours done. Whether it takes me 7.25 hours a day or 11 hours a day to get my hours in—I’ll just have to stay until I get them done. And then I can go home. That’s my plan. We’ll give it a shot and see how it works out. Of course, it starts Monday (LOL)…
I mean, c’mon—it’s a holiday weekend here ;0)
I don’t really have a whole lot else to say. Adam and I talked the other night about how the first year of marriage is the most difficult—about which I had no idea, but it certainly makes me feel better to hear that. And then, put everything we’ve been through on top of the first year being the hardest—and it totally makes sense why we would be struggling here. So, I’m feeling a lot better about that. Makes me feel like I’m not the only one, which is nice.
John met up with Alex for the first time in probably like, 10 years, the other weekend—and now he’s totally f’ing enamored with Alex again. It kind of pretty much makes me sick to my stomach, seeing as though Alex is the spawn of evil. And while I’m at it, Kara and now Lainey are pretty much the spawn of evil as well—and he’s enamored with them also. So, I guess it’s just a theme or something. But it certainly drives me crazy. It’s like he becomes so entirely, positively, sickeningly blinded by these total assholes who are thinking about nothing but themselves, and he just goes along for the ride. I don’t know what’s the matter with him. I mean, I know it’s not quite as bad as I’m making it sound—but it’s still pretty bad, and I don’t know WTF is wrong with that boy. It really makes me pretty angry sometimes.
What else? I feel like I’ve had so much to say in the past few days, and now I sit down to write and I can’t think of anything!
Ohh yes, so I wrote Dana like five emails in a row. One that was probably about 7-pages long, and then like four little short ones—the last two of which were about how marriage has been really challenging. And the last one I sent probably about a day ago or so. And, I haven’t heard anything back from her. In the second one I sent, I said write back when you have a chance—but, the sooner the better. Lol…I’m so weird! I mean honestly! She has a life too! I guess it’s just that it’s been so very nice to hear from her, and to be in touch with someone who is willing to talk about what it is to struggle with me—that I want more and more of it. And I feel like she would understand the difficulties of beginning a marriage, and that I can talk with her about that—which is something I don’t really feel like I can talk to anyone else about.
I guess I feel like Adam and I are still newlyweds. It hasn’t even been a year yet, and I feel like we should still be in this honeymoon phase—instead of talking about whether we made a mistake, rushed into it, are going to have to get a divorce, etc. It’s really been pretty horrible feeling like that, too. I don’t know, I just cannot even tell you how much better it makes me feel to know that many couples struggle to figure things out in the first year. Maybe sometimes it’s nice to feel normal, I guess. But then again, what is “normal” anyway? I guess, society’s definition of normal is probably what I’m describing as what I should be feeling. And then what is actually normal is that which actually happens—being that most couples struggle and it’s not all pretty rainbows and butterflies all the time. Isn’t it funny how semantics can change everything? The republicans certainly know…
So anyways, I was in a meeting with Paul two days ago, and he asked me about the current status of the federal and Ohio estate tax. And I did not know. And he said, “You know, you really should be reading and keeping up with the news and current events.” And I thought, “If only I cared.” I don’t give a flying fuck what the current status of the estate tax is. If this book doesn’t work out, then I will—because I think this job is my second best option. But it’s not really what I want, if I could have anything I wanted.
I want to be a writer. I want to publish my book, be well on my way to having written my second by that time, book innumerable interviews and talk show appearances to talk about the concepts I address in my book (of which there are many, and they’re all from my own personal experience—so there should be plenty to talk about), obtain a contract for a monthly column, buy a nice comfy cozy peaceful house where Adam and I can live and write more, travel, host group talk sessions all over the country (to start) to discuss the concepts in my book with people who are interested in talking about that stuff, hire a tutor to get me up to speed on history and current events (or have Adam quit his job and do that for me), read novels and learn more about the different philosophical ideas that are out there, spend quality time with my best friends and family members, pay off my student loans, find investors to fund my clothing boutique, open my clothing boutique, etc. That’s what I want.
What I certainly do not want is to run on this legal treadmill for any much longer than I have to—in order to get the above-described goals up and running. I do not want to have to spend my time just billing my life away at a job that means nothing to me. I want a job that means everything to me, and that means something to other people as well. I want to make a difference in this world—but a big difference, a substantial difference. I want my presence to be known and felt by many. I want to help many. And I want to do that all in the manner in which I am best capable, which generates the most meaning for myself and others.
I’m thinking big here. I’m tired of hearing people say you have to do this and you have to do that, you should be here and you should be heading there, you can’t do this and you can’t do that, blah blah blah. Who the hell are they to know what I am capable of? I mean, hell, I am just figuring all that out for myself! How the fuck would they know, before I even know?!?
I told Adam last night, last thing before we went to sleep when we were laying in bed, that my favorite college professor—the one who said he would be honored to be my academic advisor and who helped me see that I could become I lawyer if that’s what I really wanted, told me once—years after college when I went back to Denison for a random visit, that he always thought I was a free spirit. I told Adam, I don’t know that I’ve ever been handed a greater compliment than that. That my old professor told me that—that he really thought that and believed in it, and that he told me that. I just cannot even explain how much it means to me. It means everything.
Let me tell you why. I am a free spirit. I need to fly and explore and challenge and learn and grow and love and feel. I need passion. My passion is my lifeline. When I am boxed in, when I am caged—I wither away. I need flight. That’s all there is to it. And this is why I’ve always been different. This is why I’ve never “fit in”—I am a free spirit. And I will fight to be free. I cannot run this legal treadmill—it’s going to be the death of me. I cannot live this way. I must be free to prosper. I have so much to offer—but I cannot offer it, if I am not free.
And so, now I know what I am fighting for. But more importantly, I know why. I know what’s important to me. I know what I want. I know that it is possible for me to make it happen. I know the timing is right. All I need now, is to put in the time. Put in the hard work, prepare for the opportunity—and, there it will be. And I will be waiting, and I will be ready. I will take it.
I dream big. I always have. I’ve been told this is not good, this is not realistic, this is not possible, I am not capable, etc. etc. Well…
I don’t believe in that. I don’t buy that bullshit. Maybe other people box themselves in and cage themselves up like that, clearly they attempt to do so with me—but I will not have it. I will not accept it. I know who I am, what I am capable of, and what I want. And what I want—I am capable of achieving. The only question remaining is how I will get there. Part of the answer, I know—part, remains to be seen. But I firmly believe that if I prepare myself, and accomplish everything to that end that is within my control—that the rest will, just fall into place.
I am the Princess of Fate, Destiny and Chance—and I will make this happen.