Reflection from February 5th, 2012 @ Age 30
RE: THE EXAMINATION OF ATTACHMENTS OVER TIME.
Here I am, another day, another…
I purchased a heater for the office last night, so it would keep me warm and toasty so my fingers don’t get cold and make it hard to type. It’s so hard to focus with Adam awake. I thought he was going to go tanning (we’re getting ready for our belated honeymoon in Key West)—but now he’s playing video games and just the general fact that he never has anything to do on the weekends baffles my mind, and irritates it a little too.
I spoke with mom, who was telling me about the status of the whole situation with my grandma and how dad and his three brothers are dealing with it. Doesn’t sound like it’s going real well. I have to type up these notes from when dad and I met with Paul about the whole situation—but last time I sat down to work on it, I worked for three and a half hours and only got half way through, which was frustrating.
I worked on “beauty” this morning for an hour, and then went and worked out for an hour. Now I’m sitting here gearing up for the typing session to finish out those notes for dad—but in between there, I went through some of my old memorabilia that I’d found over at mom and dad’s house. Some of it made me really sad, most of it probably did actually. I guess it just, I don’t know, it just is something to me—that all of these people that have been a part of my life, are either no longer now a part of it, or are just barely holding on. It’s pretty fucking depressing, actually, and maybe that’s why people have kids, or another reason. (Among the many, I’m sure.)
Anyway, I found a few things that were pretty special to me—to remember at least, and two of them I took the time to scan into my computer. One was an email Bobby Mehl had written November 26, 2000, and sent to Jen and Danielle and myself and Jes and Andrew and Jared Bryant and I guess that’s probably it. It’s just so hard to believe all that time—that it really even actually existed at one point. It blows my fucking mind.
I guess it’s just that whole thing, to see how beautiful something once was—and to know that it was real once, but to know now also, that it never will be again. Kind of makes me think real hard, about how I treat my life right now, how I think about things, how all the things I have right now will be gone one day—all the things I love, but also the things that hurt me or drive me crazy or make me sad. Ohh that time, it’s a bitch if I ever saw one.
Anyways, back to the point, the other thing I found was just a note Jes had written me in college—around the same time, probably fall of 2000. So I scanned that in and sent it over to Jes via Facebook, and same with the email from Bobby, to Bobby. I know I probably should not have sent the one to Bobby, but either way, response or not, I will not respond. I guess I’ve been wanting to contact him slightly for a little while now, but I don’t think it would be respectful to Adam and really I don’t think it would be respectful to myself or beneficial in any way. So that aside, I suppose I sent it anyways. It’s funny how I get wrapped up in these things, and how I actually care—meaning I actually feel something from them, and yet I really find it hard to believe that anyone else has that reaction. I just don’t get it. I don’t get people. But honestly, I don’t really know that I want to either. There are a few that are worth it, but mostly the rest are just a waste of my time I suppose.
I don’t know if I really even mean that—it just hurts me that people don’t care, or that they care, but not enough to actually take one fucking second out of their busy days to say hello. Well anyway, ain’t nothing I can do to change that, so I guess I better just let it go. Sometimes it just hurts me though.