Reflection from April 28th, 2014 @ Age 32
RE: YOU CAN’T BUY MY LOOOOOOOOVE ;oD
Life just feels pretty much infinitely impossible right now—and I’d swear to you, it’s not for lacking effort, but the almost direct result of non-acceptance by others. I’m so fucking tired of having to try to get them to accept me. It’s like, who the fuck put them in charge in the goddamn first place?!! No wonder our world is going to hell being led by a bunch of idiots who are entirely incapable of vision. It’s fucking ludicrous, and yet it matters not what I think because I have been labeled as a “seriously mentally ill” one.
It’s so telling…it’s so fucking telling it makes me want to take my own life to escape the horror that is this show they’re running. Sigh…I don’t know how I’ma figure this one out ;0(
This is bad news…
I’m so overwhelmed I can hardly stand it, and I don’t even know where to begin which is the worst part of all. I suppose, with the phone calls I should be making right now—Medicaid, Ken’s contact, U.S. House Energy and Commerce Committee chairman and ranking member, Ohio’s two senators, Ohio’s Humanities Organization or whatever it’s called…
I guess I should get to making these phone calls. But honest to god, I just want to curl the fuck up and go back the fuck to bed. This is so fucking depressing. But I should shower and do my hair and makeup and get dressed and not go to Starbucks, but rather skip the calories since I already splurged on popcorn and soda—save the money in fast food and gas.
Truth be told—I’m afraid to make all these phone calls. I am so tired I keep feeling, I keep telling myself I am so fucking TIRED—but in all honesty, it could just be the thought of fear which is disabling me. I need to get dressed up and dolled all the fuck up, and make these phone calls and organize my records while I’m on hold, and make video posts out from the interesting phone calls, write Anthem to get my fucking $1,300 from last August back, etc. etc. And all I feel like doing is crawling back up into bed ;0(
And type my handwritten journals up to-date as well. I sh…I could do that as well…since I’m still alive and all, for the time being anyways. No reason to waste it, if I’m going to be spending it in the first place—might as well keep moving ahead towards my goals in the best way I know how, namely despite fear, and most notably, fear of wandering vainly about in the darkness. The time is now—go forth my dear…
Alright, I’m all showered now. I have no idea what I’m going to have for lunch, and I’m really irritated that I’m thinking about food all the fucking time…but you know what? I see Dr. S on Thursday, I think—so that’s good, and then also…
I was thinking just now, that maybe the key is in being cognizant of what we most want at all times. I mean, I feel like I’m getting lost in the sea of details right now you know? It’s very overwhelming and it’s very dark and I’m in the forest and can only see the trees. It’s somewhat frightening even, I’d daresay, because I’m not sure how I’ll ever find my way back out into the light again!
But such is life and so too, the very cyclical nature of bipolar-I “disorder”—this I know, and from this I have learned previously. The light will be back Miss Maris—just keep your eye on the prize for the long-term, and take steps in the short-term that move you closer to those goals. Namely, to:
No.1: Continue the youth outreach—which I’m working on, I already sent Tim at Denison an email to get a letter of recommendation so that I can move forward on Johnstown High School;
No.2: Continue pitching Jane Says—for which I have agent research to do, and I have to write a much much better pitch letter as well…so lots going on here to work on for this goal; and
No.3: Then lastly, to get this—ohh no wait—second to lastly, to speak in opposition to H.R. 3717 in Washington D.C., so lots of phone calls and some research and prep to get ready for that; and, then finally…
No.4: To get the state legislature here in Ohio to create that position for me—and I have no idea how to move on that, except to begin writing my House Judiciary speech for the first upcoming hearing when these idiots are back from their month-long spring break, and perhaps just to be sending out a thank you note to my mental-health legislative-advocacy emergency BCC list, and then all the crap above will help me move towards this goal as well.
It’s just hard not to get side-tracked by money—but maybe that’s why I keep getting this feeling that I need to read this Suze Orman book “Women and Money” ;0)
So, henceforth and hitherto—!!
No.5: Read Suze Orman book — “Woman & Money”
See now, there’s a nice lit-tle to-do list to keep me busy you know—to keep me going. I’ma do this—I’ve no idea how; but, I’ma figure this shit out. I’m telling you right now, you heard it here first ;0)
My god now see ;0)
It’s like a faucet—that just won’t turn off!!!
No, in all seriousness—I think the main point of this all is that money can’t buy me love; and quite frankly, without love, I do not want to exist within this existence any longer. So, when I get that fire lit under my ass worrying about money as I’m known to do from time to time—I think what might really help, would be to have “money can’t buy me love” on refrain in my brain. Money can’t buy me love—and love, is what I need to exist. And so I will find it, or I will die in the process—one or the other, we’ll see here shortly which it shall be.