On Vincent Van Gogh — GO **on** ;oD

Reflection from September 20th, 2007 @ Age 26

RE:  IF YOU HEAR A VOICE WITHIN YOU SAY, “YOU CANNOT TAKE YOUR DOG FOR A WALK IN A TANK TOP WITH NO BRA ON”—THEN, BY ALL MEANS, GO BRALESS, AND THAT VOICE WILL BE SILENCED ;0)

Well, I’ve moved into the year of 2002—so, things are progressing just lovely with the book.  And, I love going through and reading all my old entries!  They’re so poignant—and yet, I wasn’t even sure at their conception they’d be anything but old rubbish.  I’m thankful I did not know then, what I know now—because, what would I be without all this rich development?!  And, it’s so funny to be reading a story—and then, constantly be reminded that it is my own!  What fun!

You know, I was thinking this morning (at 6:45am—I’m sitting here, back at work!  Hah!) that it’s funny how people think I’m crazy because I’m idealistic still, and/or because I smoke pot.  But, I think about it and wonder—how can all these people busy judging me, not see that their own neighbors are suffering?  Their families and friends and neighbors are all suffering, as is the creation of human nature—no doubt they themselves are suffering, and what do they do?  They shut their hearts and their minds off to all that is around them, and choose—day after day, to instead judge those around them for the decisions they are making.  We judge others around us based on these seemingly arbitrary decisions, but we’re so far cut off from the pain and suffering of others and ourselves—that we can’t see no.1, that we all make seemingly arbitrary decisions all the time (more often than you can imagine)—and, no.2, that these decisions are not in fact arbitrary at all!  So many times I’ve been cut off from the pain of others, and so entrenched in the pain of my own—that I could not possibly have lent a helping hand to others.  It was only in learning to help myself that I learned to help other people in a way that mattered.  Similarly, I am learning that only in coming to love myself—have I learned to genuinely and completely love others also, for all that they are.

I’m so thankful for the inspiration and insight that has been flowing into my heart and mind—at ever-increasing speeds as of late, from the heavens above.  It’s funny though, I think, that I’ve never before felt as inspired as I have in my life—since the death of my David love.  I’m thankful for the closure that’s been brought to me, and all of the healing that’s been possiblespurred by a little divine intervention.  I’m still wondering to this day—if David is with me now, and forevermore.

It’s funny, because I can’t imagine a better job for me to have than the one I am at right now—for the purposes of finishing up this book already!  Who would’a thunk it?  But really, think about it…

At least five solid hours of reading, thinking and writing every morning—and, we all know I’m most sharp first thing in the morning!  And then, I have the rest of the day off, four glorious hours of alone time at home—and, plenty of time to write more new and old, and to walk and play with my kitty-cats and do whatever else it is I need to do!

It’s also funny this morning that the guy who stacks the snack and soda machines just came in, and asked if this is what I get paid to do—to sit here writing in my little journal!  Hah!  So, some people do notice I can’t quite seem to stop writing!

I’m reading in The Trap about a couple of guys, humanitarians, who are trying to come up with a cheaper way to effectuate safe land-mining in the poorest places on earth—and, how they can’t find an investor because there will be little or no return on this humanitarian investment.  And then it occurred to me, that safety—in this world, is only anymore for the rich.  If you are not rich, you must be willing to subject yourself to a more dangerous lifestyle because you have no choice—and the rich, who have all the resources in the world, literally, do not want to be bothered with having to provide safety for their fellow human beings.

Ohh, I have such a runny nose this morning.

I’m so thankful that this book, The Trap, has come into my purview per FDC at this very point and time in my life.  I remember I showed it to Alexi once and she dismissed it as saying, “That doesn’t look like something I’d buy”—she’s Republican, see.  But, I suppose it’d be difficult for me to read a book supporting conservative ideals—because I am so in opposition to them.  But, I think what I want most is to be open to my brother’s and sister’s ideas—just as I would hope they would be, for me.  We all can come to our own conclusions, but I think the most important part is to be able to listen to one another with our whole hearts and minds.  Nothing in my conjecture, I’ll have you, is meant to imply this will be easy.  It’s not about easy, though.

Well, I am fucking shocked!  I just am sitting here watching Robin and Company (makes me think of Rob and Beth—I love you two!), and a story came on about how some white students in Louisiana hung nooses (the hanging ropes) in a tree by the school—and, some white kids got into a fight then with some black kids, and the DA charged only the black kids, and no less charged them with attempted murder!  Now, there are more facts involved which I now know, thanks to this lovely gentleman from Tennessee who has so generously provided me with them this morning—and, needless to say, I can’t believe racial discrimination is still an issue for people!  And, apparently it may very well be extremely prevalent in the south still.  Why can’t we see that when another’s human rights are in conflict—so very much so, are our own?  I’ve no doubt, now—that the women’s movement has been suffering as well.  I’ve been feeling it—but, only now have I found my voice.  Ohh, what is a girl to do?!

The world, it seems, is going to hell all around me.  It makes it all the more important, then, that I get this message out.  That I lend my voice to others.

I just can’t believe how backwards this civil rights issue is!  But, then again, it’s been ignored for years now—pushed out of present American consciousness.  So, of course the south is backpedaling.  Just like unwatched corporations do with their shenanigans!  Just like unwatched people do everyday.

If we are not presently, consciously, struggling for balance—we are inevitably backpedaling, or free-falling.  Or not.  It’s so hard to tell.

You know, I just made another friend!  Who knew it’s so easy when you’re friendly and not always trying to lay blame or project your own feelings onto others?!  I’m loving being around and talking to people these days!  I love this job!  It’s so perfect for me right at this moment, and I’m sure I never would’a even seen it—had I not had my heart and my mind open, to let it in.

Okay, so, today there is a civil rights demonstration going on in Louisiana and it’s so exciting—but, it also brings me much anxiety.  And, I can’t help but think—I can’t believe I myself, have not yet been to a civil rights demonstration.  I don’t feel I’ll have fully lived till I’ve attended a civil rights protest.  Thing is, I have a faint but clear premonition that the first demonstration I attend will be a life-changing moment.  I find in civil and human rights, I have found my purpose for living.  In love for my brothers and sisters and myself, I have at long last found the reason why I am living.  God—grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen!

Oh!  Less I forget…

Apparently, this Louisiana issue has been going on for some time—and the only reason it gained news coverage today, is because Jesse Jackson was present.  Note to Self: look up Jesse Jackson online when you get home, and get more civil rights and human rights books to read here too real soon.

Thank you god, for providing me the opportunity to affect change for the good in this world.  Thank you for choosing me, upon whom to bestow this monumental gift.

Ohh man…

It’s so hard to watch the news.  But I try to do so anyways, at least to some extent—because this is part of what’s going on in the world around me, and I want to be aware of and not hide from it.  I know I have my limits though, and I will try not to push past the point of diminishing returns.

But, you know what, it’s not so easy come to think of it, for me to read The Trap either—describing in detail to me how the world is going to hell by virtue of our own neglect and evil-doing.  Okay, perhaps I’m enjoying a particularly dramatic moment, but still—reading about the dismantling and destruction of middle-class America and the new breed of “middle class” slaves to the rich, to the corporations, to “the profit,” is terribly disturbing.  But, alas, my consciousness continues to unfold—and, I’m finding at this moment, that in god, I trust.

My goal in my work and in my life, I think, is to raise overall consciousness in the human race.  And, it’s funny, because I think of all of my talents and gifts and all of the ways I could help people—but, when it comes down to it, I think I want to help in the way in which I can be most influential to those who want to listen.  I want to bring love and healing to all of those who are willing to listen.  I want to bring light and joy into others’ lives, and thereby bring light and joy into my own.

And, I have so much to learn from my brothers and sisters.  They too, have so much to teach me.  I believe that a world of love and peaceful resolution of conflicting ideas is possible—if only our priorities were the same.  Namely, to save others and thereby, save ourselves.

I think, if there ever comes a time when I have money again, I would like to learn how to invest it myself—and, to therefore have the ability to truly oversee what it is doing and where it is going, and thereby, not have to place blind trust in another human being.  But alas!  Will I be able to protect myself from the addiction that comes with excess money?  It’s so hard to tell…

But god, give me the strength to follow your will and not my own.  God give me strength to see the light and to share it with others.

It’s so curious to me, having found—that only in bringing happiness to others, do I truly bring happiness to myself.  This, I believe, is the true secret to a satisfied heart and mind.  Come to think of it, I want to write Burzack and the Boyds at Denison—and, see what they have to say about this book The Trap.  It’s difficult for me to gauge the line, in between which this author’s own hostility ends—and the truth, begins.  It’s blurring my vision.

You know, I think that when you’re dealing with high-emotion issues—it might be best to take as much emotion out of your argument as possible.  Then again, that supposes your ultimate goal is to increase understanding in yourself and others.  I say this, knowing how difficult it is in general to look at, say, for me—political and economic issues.  It’s difficult for me to read The Trap, even if I am in concurrence with much of its content—because I am turned off by the angry, disillusioned eyes of its author, through which I must read the book.

It’s difficult to take in the substantive content of the book, when I’m busy trying to pick apart fact from fiction.  It’s not that I’m not immensely grateful for the light which is being brought to my eyes.  It’s that I, as a human being, can only take so much evil-viewing—before I must retreat into safety, to regroup and reenergize.  And, adding unnecessary hostile emotion to those things which are already so difficult to bear in my consciousness only lowers my capacity to take in more.  It’s just like the old adage goes…

Two wrongs do not a right make.  Or, namely, hatred never ceases by more hatred—but, by love alone is healed.  I think I prefer a route more geared towards illuminating the truth for those who are ready to see it—rather than, jumping in the ring with my “enemy” to create more hostility in this world.

It’s very clever, how, whoever creates George W. Bush’s rhetoric—uses the majority of their time placing blame on others and initiating emotion and fighting amongst us, in order to altogether side-step any honest debate about anything that actually matters.  He blames democrats for wanting to give government health care to middle-class families—instead of wanting to provide healthcare to children, who do not yet have it.  Little does he seem to realize, the goal is affordable healthcare for all—and, not just for the rich and the poor.

His rhetoricists do a fantastic job—because I feel enraged every time I watch him speak.  But, alas, nothing constructive is produced from this conduct.  Only more confusion, and less people helped.

My friend this morning was telling me, from a human resources perspective—why corporations (or at least his) cut health benefits.  He said that by imposing higher deductibles, it makes employees realize the cost they are imposing to their employer when they get sick.  But, he qualified this statement by saying his corporation actually saves very little money by imposing the high-deductible plans on its employees.  So, why then, don’t they just eat that very small cost, and provide wellness programs to their employees to increase actual consciousness on how to prevent illness—rather than wracking its employees with increased health care costs (but not, alas, higher salaries to cover said cost), thereby producing higher levels of stress and anxiety, thereby decreasing the functionality of immune systems as well as their own wellbeing?  Well, because the focus is not on the human being—but rather, on the profit. 

The human being, with all its problems—is a disposable commodity for the American corporation, and perhaps beyond.  If Americans aren’t willing to work in sub-humane conditions, the American corporations, with all its American protections and liberties—will continue to receive their protections as an American corporation, but will move all their jobs to places in this world where governments do not impose any basic human rights.  They will exploit unprotected human beings under the guise of American corporate protections—and no one can do a damn thing about it here in America, because the corporations have already thought to buy out the politicians running our American government.  The institution that was built to protect our own basic human rights—is now being run by those people who seek to destroy them.  How convenient for the rich.  It seems they have beat us at our own game.  I daresay, however, that they have not yet seen the rise of the middle class.  Some say, hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn—I say, hell hath no fury like an exploited and organized middle class society.  We will have them yet—in our own time.

It’s interesting, because two black women were just sitting in here at work and questioned me about my Buddhism for Dummies book.  They wanted to know if it encouraged witch craft and devil worshipping, and I asked them what they meant by that and they said—lighting candles, doing spells, symbols, that sort of thing.  I tried to explain to them that it’s not like a religion in the sense that you are praying to something, necessarily—it’s more about raising consciousness or awareness of the world around you.

They didn’t really seem to understand that there wasn’t one central, named thing or being to which you directed your prayers.  Although, I wouldn’t say my first opportunity to spread the Buddhist word was totally wasted.  They brought up this book Secrets, which is about changing all negative thought into positive—and, I said it is similar to that in the sense that it’s kind of like learning to want and be thankful for what you already do have, rather than focusing on that which you do not have.  I’ll admit though, it’s difficult to explain an entire philosophy with only a limited extent of knowledge of the matter myself—to listeners who seem only to be half-listening for what it is they want to hear about.  So come the restrictions of the physical world though, I suppose.  Well, a valiant effort nonetheless Miss Maris!  I’m proud of you lover, for putting more good in the world today.  It seems more and more that persistence is the name of the game—just ahead of continued growth and learning.

Ahh, and Tony came in and asked me why a fine looking person such as myself is not looking to date—and I said, “I suppose I’ve just found myself to be in a position, where dating is just not one of my current priorities.”  It’s interesting he asked though, for sure.

I’m seeing a message form today, showing me that education is—after all, a method by which awareness and therefore choice is promoted.  It depends, of course, on the type and breadth and the open-mindedness with which the curricula is chosen.  I myself, having been liberated through means of a liberal education—am widely a proponent, of open-mindedness.  I think it is only in that sort of environment that freedom of personal choice is promoted.  Though, admittedly, I have not yet given thought to all the other possibilities.  I’m thankful to have found a method that works for me, though.

You know, I’m feeling now like I was slightly barraged by those two women, not in the sense that I was outright harassed, but rather—in the sense that they were inquiring into an area of knowledge, not to broaden their horizons, but to confirm their previously held beliefs (or discriminations—however you’d prefer to categorize it).  It reminds me of the whole putting more hostility into the world, rather than decreasing it idea.

My heart is racing—along with my mind, too!  I had an interesting thought on the way home today, too, because I got home to the neighborhood and I wasn’t yet done with my cigarette—so I took one more drag then flicked it out the window, but in doing so, I felt a twinge of guilt.  For I’ve been forgetting the days we’re on lately!  Not the number, but the day of the week.  It’s a funny thing, that time is.

I tell you what, I just wonder if that Oprah will listen yet?!  I have to write to her, and the words to say are flowing through my mind as I write here and now!

Later

I think all in all—it is in balance, that I trust.  I just got a call from Andy and he was saying how he was having just an okay day, and told me he got a flat tire on the way to work this morning.  Well, I’m not gonna lie, he went on to ask me whether I would be willing to come out, switch cars with him, and take his car to Walmart to wait on it while it is changed—and, I must admit that at first sound I was none all too excited to oblige.  But, the more I think about it, and mind you I’m thinking past the speed of light these days—the more I find myself to be in a particularly beneficial position in which I have nothing to do for the rest of the afternoon now that I am home from work which cannot be delayed by some small amount of time (and I can take my journal with me while I’m waiting on the car too, obviously)—and therefore, in the peculiar situation of being able to help my brother on this most lovely of September afternoons in the year of 2007.  In this revelation, I feel that my soul has been touched and my heart has been loved.  Suffice it to say, I oblige.

I’m excited that, if projected goals are met—I will be publishing this book to the public before the next presidential election.  I find hope in my voice, and wonder if anyone else will feel the same.

Ohh boy, I have $9 and some change left in the bank account!  Ohh how I hope my first temping paycheck comes today!  I am going to call my school loan people and see if I can’t get my loan repayment amount reduced, but I already have come to the conclusion that I’m going to need to ask my parents for money to help pays my bills this month.  My credit card bill had been paid for this month already, and I also should be able to afford my health insurance with the temping money.  But, I can’t see from this perspective where I’ll find the money to pay for my first month of school loan repayment unless I ask them for it.  Ohh god help me!  Help me to figure this situation out!  I need some divine intervention!  And a job!

Okay, off to help out Andy tra-la-la…

Grrrr…

I really do see how time can seem of the essence in this moment because my book is calling to me as are all the activities I feel like enjoying this afternoon—and yet, my brother is calling out for help, and I cannot help but hear him.

Okay, lover—here you have it.  I didn’t feel like going.  I was going to go.  I got ready to go.  When I was leaning over the sink eating something before I left, because I have not yet eaten today—I was thinking, if Andy gets off work at 3:30pm and I am only leaving here at 2pm, it will take me half-hour to 45 minutes just to get to his work, then we have to exchange cars and keys, then I would drive to the Walmart to wait on his car which would take at least another half-hour to get there.  So, that would put me at getting to Walmart by 3:30pm, which is when Andy usually gets off work.  Which would mean his car, after all that effort, would get into the shop half-hour earlier than he could get it there himself.  Then he told me, as I was speaking with him on the phone, that he didn’t get off till 4:15pm.  Well, that means, that for my one-hour of driving—his car would be in the shop for, hmmm…

This is getting tricky here, now!  His car would then be in the shop for an…

Ohhh man, I got lost in the details!  Anyways, my point is, there was no emergency and Andy just wanted to get his car in as early as possible—but, Rach can come pick him up when he drops the car off, so he won’t even have to sit there and wait on it, so it just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me to make all that extra effort.  So, he said I didn’t have to, if I didn’t want to—so, I said I might pass, and he assured me that was okay with him.  So, why is it, then—that I feel like I’ve done something wrong?

It seems that if I went against my “better judgment,” I would only build up resentment towards the cause—which I also, do not want to do.  So, perhaps in balancing these afterward felt emotions, I can come to the conclusion that I am okay with my decision—because, there is no emergency, I won’t be able to save Andy that much time as it were, and Andy can hang out with Rach and Bryce instead of waiting at the car place—which I’d be stuck doing if I went, which I do all morning and am really, not in the mood to do right now.  Can I be okay with that?  It’s so hard to tell!  But, can you see now, why human beings are seemingly making arbitrary decisions everyday?  It’s because if we all took the time to think about and write all this shit out for every experience—it would take up all the time in the world!  And, there’d be no time left for anything else.  Hence, prioritization of desires and goals and ideals is to follow.  Ohh the mess my mind is in right now!  But, an organizational mess—which, as my Grandpa Sabik used to say, is a good problem…

Thank god the ideas are already all there from the start!

I am being inundated with information and connections and inspirations and divine intervention—and, am finding it difficult to express that particular human boundaries of mine are slowly becoming pressed.  I feel overwhelmed and speedy, but in no drug sort of way.  I feel speedy as in my mind won’t stop churning—and, I cannot write quickly enough to capture all the inspiration that’s forthcoming.  Alas, I think rather, I will revel in it for awhile.  What’s truly meant to come to the surface will flow forth as it were.

Later

Ohh my, tra-la-la!  I just finished writing my narrative in a nutshell to help promote the book, and it’s beautiful ambiguity.  That’s right…

Beautifully ambiguous!  I could not be more happy with the results, though.  A little more editing and it will shortly, be ready to share.  Ohh god help me find a way!

Ohh I’m so tired now though!  I think I need to eat some food and rest my brain!  You deserve it lover!

Thoughts?

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