Reflection from June 26th, 2008 @ Age 27
RE: WHEN REALITY DOENS’T PAN OUT—but, ohhhhhhh!! It’s **Lady** JUSTICE—with an ASSIST ;oD
I’ve been thinking about good ol’ Neil Siegel today. I’ve been thinking about what bad terms we left on. I’ve been thinking about the time I drove with Neil to court, and he sang and played his harmonica to Neil Young in his Volvo on the way. Or, the time he had to tell me that “decedent” was pronounced with a high second “e” there—and, the time he had to tell me that “scintilla” was not pronounced skin-tilla. Ohh, Neil and I, the times that we had! I remember when he took me out to lunch before court one day, and told me that I’ve thought about things that most of my peers wouldn’t be pondering for some time—or, something to that effect. I remember when he and Carol and I were at happy hour after work, and I started crying right there at the bar—for all the children in the world who have no one to take care of them, no one around to give them any help at all. I remember so many things, and it makes me want to forgive him for any wrong he may have done me.
I’ve been thinking, not surprising—about a lot of things, today. I think I’ve read my last email from Bobby. And, I was just thinking how good it’d feel to always have had someone waiting for me—like Stacey and Bella, and JenJen. I was thinking about, how, in an earlier writing—I was talking about how bitter Bobby became, after I refused to date him sophomore year. I was in awe, when I could see that I, too, got bitter—when Dave dumped me, summer before college. It’s funny, how we see things sometimes, isn’t it?
I’ve been thinking about how I keep returning to the guys of my past, because I am afraid yet to face the guys (or hopefully, guy) of my future. I also realized, that in doing so, I had been abandoning myself—by questioning whether I made a good judgment call, the first time around. All experience has told me I made a good choice, but that is ironically what’s also left me single today.
Getting rejected by Bobby and law school Rob hurt, but prolly not nearly as much as I hurt Bobby and Rob by rejecting them in the first place. I hate to think that I’ve hurt either one of them, but especially Rob. He was so nice to me, I could hardly stand it! Can you believe I would give this attention up for some pansy ass loser with no motivation, who acts in cruel ways (notably, Danny).
Then, finally, I was thinking about how I was rude to Rachel’s friend Klodiana—by not wanting to talk with her, and how maybe she just wanted someone to speak with, because she didn’t know anyone else there? It makes me feel so bad—I emailed Rachel for her email, to apologize! I didn’t want to talk with her, because I was angry at her for going to Ohio State for law school and being on the law review and being a BARBRI rep—so, she doesn’t have to pay for her bar review course, and just all sorts of reasons is the main point. I was jealous—if I’ve not any better way to put it. And, now, I feel so bad.
I’ve been thinking a lot, lately…
Well-conceived public architecture speaks with historical authenticity of the beauty of form combined with utility. Function and beauty are impressively joined in the great subway stations of Russia and in the design and layout of many new high-rise apartment buildings in Canada. Older cultures seem to have always understood the practicality of beauty—that that which is designed without beauty quickly deteriorates. An architecturally ugly neighborhood becomes part of a feedback loop of blight and violence; the sleazy, dehumanized housing projects of urban ghettos manifest their weak power patterns in squalor and crime. But it should be remembered that depending on which attractor pattern one aligns with, the destitution of the ghetto can be an excuse for depravity or the inspiration to rise above it. (After all, it isn’t the facts of one’s environment, but one’s attitude towards them, that determines whether one will be defeated or victorious.)
Grace is the expression of the power of aesthetic sensitivity, and power is always manifested with grace, whether in beauty of line, style, or expression. We associate grace with elegance, refinement, and economy of effort. We marvel at the grace of the Olympic athlete, just as we’re uplifted by the grace of the Gothic vault. Gracious power patterns acknowledge and support life, and respect and uphold the dignity of others. In addition, grace is an aspect of unconditional love. Graciousness also implies generosity—not merely material generosity, but generosity of spirit, such as the willingness to express thanks or acknowledge the importance of others in our lives. Grace is associated with modesty and humility, for power doesn’t need to flaunt itself; force always must show off, because it originates in self-doubt. Great artists are thankful for their power, whatever its expression, because they know it’s a gift that benefits all of mankind.
Beauty has expressed itself in so many various ways, in disparate cultures, throughout different periods of time, that we have good reason to say it’s in the eye of the beholder. However, we should note that it’s only the vehicle of beauty that changes—the essence of beauty does not change, only the form that it’s perceived in. It’s interesting that people of advanced consciousness are able to see beauty in all forms. To them, not only is all of life sacred, but all form is beauty.
POWER VS. FORCE:
David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D.
Chapter 14—Power in the Arts.