Reflection from June 8th, 2005 @ Age 23
Well. I’m still struggling with letting go of my Aaron desire. I pray to god, to help release me from my selfish desires and wants. Maybe, it’s difficult, because I don’t feel entirely ready to give Aaron up (even though, I, in no sense—whatsoever, “had him,” to give up!). It’s that little, tiny flickering flame I keep toying with—instead of just, blowing it out. I keep hoping it will grow. I suppose, the reality of the situation might help, as well, seeing as though—I have decided not to contact him unless contacted, I suspect reality will be a sobering affair. I would be highly (and delightfully) surprised, if Aaron did contact me.
So, I guess, I will wait and see; but, I hate to do so, because I feel I know what the outcome will be—but, if I entertain other thoughts, then, I feel I’m just setting myself up for disappointment.
I had some wild dreams last night! First, I dreamt that I fell in love with Dave—and, he was everything I always wanted him to be. He took care of me, and thought of me when I was not around—and, called me and cuddled me and loved me dearly.
Then, I dreamt that I was running away from Flytz. I knew when I was leaving, that I was trying to get out for good, and I was hoping no one would see me—but, I felt suspicious eyes upon me. Then, I was in a truck, and I could barely reach the pedals to drive it—so, in order to hit the gas or breaks I had to slump down to reach the pedals, and take my eyes off the road to do so. And I kept going back and forth, trying to get on the freeway—because I couldn’t slow down fast enough, to make the turn.
Then, I was on a horse with Krissy High and Nicole Knapp—and, we were galloping frantically through a neighborhood full of huge houses, trying to find our way out. I kept telling Ki to go one way, and she wouldn’t—until she realized she was wrong, because her way led us nowhere but back into the neighborhood. Then, we finally figured the way out, when she went the way I told her—but, it was too late, we had been caught.
Next thing, we were inside a big room—having been thrown off the horse, onto the hay. Then, somehow, we were in the top floors of this mansion of like, twenty floors—trying to find a way out. We kept trying to break out windows—but, could not get out. I ran up a flight of stairs, and there was a crib on the left—with two babies in it, watching me.
Finally, somehow, Ki went first—then me, and then Nicole. I don’t know how we were heavy enough, but, we went straight down through the house—crashing through each floor until we hit the bottom hard, and, all of our limbs were all mangled up and in places they oughtn’t have been. But, we were all still alive, and just had to figure a way out—moving along the floor, because we couldn’t stand up, because we were all physically discombobulated.
Then, we all got onto a bus by the direction of evil Coach Terry and started moving. And then, all of a sudden, I was in the very back of a van that Bob was driving—and he wasn’t a drunk, and he talked to me and took care of me and was in love with me, and wanted to love me and be with me. And then, I woke up.
I need to stop eating before bed. I think I have all these odd dreams when I eat, right before I go to bed.
And, so, it’s 12:30pm and the Temple lead has been going on for 15 minutes—and I’m wondering whether Aaron is there, and, if so, whether he notices that I’m not there. I wonder if he’ll call me, ever.
JUDGMENT: Do not accept the roles that society foists on you. Re-create yourself by forging a new identity, one that commands attention and never bores the audience. Be the master of your own image rather than letting others define it for you. Incorporate dramatic device into your public gestures and actions—your power will be enhanced and your character will seem larger than life.
Finally: Learn to play many roles, to be whatever the moment requires. Adapt your mask to the situation—be protean in the faces you wear. Bismarck played this game to perfection: To a liberal he was a liberal, to a hawk he was a hawk. He could not be grasped, and what cannot be grasped cannot be consumed.
I m a g e :
The Greek Sea-God Proteus
His power came from his ability to
change shape at will, to be whatever the
moment required. When Menelaus, brother
of Agamemnon, tried to seize him, Proteus
transformed himself into a lion, then a serpent, a
panther, a boar, running water, and finally a leafy tree.
Authority: Know how to be all things to all men. A discreet Proteus—a scholar among scholars, a saint among saints. That is the art of winning over everyone, for like attracts like. Take note of temperaments and adapt yourself to that of each person you meet—follow the lead of the serious and jovial in turn, changing your mood discreetly. (Baltasar Gracian, 1601—1658)
THE 48 LAWS OF POWER/Robert Greene.
LAW NO. 25—Re-Create Yourself.