About Me

I wonder.

Yep.  A lot.  So much so that my thoughts get all mangled and tangled up into messes and then it takes me ages sometimes just to find my way back out.  And then I wonder about why it all happened and the cycle begins again.

And so in this time that I’ve been living now (going on 32 years), I’ve had the opportunity to think about a lot of things.  And on occasion I’ve recorded many such things to later analyze and rethink, so I can be sure that what I believe in is actually what I believe in.  Words are funny you know, they can mix you up and throw you over into a place you never even wanted to be if you’re not careful.  But in any case, it was through this process that I came across two overarching themes.

The first relates to “Cultivating Beauty” – I have found throughout a decade of journaling and searching that one question lies at the heart of my journey.  The question being, what is beauty?  What is the nature of it, at its very core?  I’ve wanted to know for some time as this inquiry grew out of my youth.

When I was growing up I rarely felt beautiful.  To the contrary, I felt ugly and marred and disjointed, simply altogether not a pleasant sight to see.  And yet, at the same time I found that people nonetheless thought I was beautiful.  And I could not understand why.

It did not help either, growing up in a society obsessed with Victoria’s Secret models.  I wasn’t a sight for sore eyes but these girls, they were so pretty, so perfect, so gorgeous.  And they all seemed so happy.  But I was not.  I mostly just felt the distance between.  It was very confusing for me.  Were these models beautiful or just pretty and perfect?  If so, what was the difference?  How could I be beautiful to others when I was so imperfect in every way and felt so ugly inside?  It made me wonder.

And so I began upon my journey to figure out the nature of beauty.  Cultivating Beauty then, is a project I am working on, pulling content from old journals to retrace my findings along the way.

So that’s the first theme.  The second finds itself in “The Adelshine Series”, based upon the same character as Cultivating Beauty, published under the pseudonym Kyrielle Adelshine.  Kyrielle’s “oscillating mind” is one subject to the extreme emotional highs and lows of a mental illness known as Bipolar I Disorder.  The purpose for The Adelshine Series is twofold:  first, it was damn near impossible to extricate being bipolar from my writing.  Doing so would leave only unexplainable bits and pieces without meaning or purpose.  So after years of deliberation, I finally decided to accept me as my whole self, not just the mere pretty bits and pieces.

The second purpose of The Adelshine Series, the reason for including it with Cultivating Beauty is that, its content directly correlates with the conclusion to which I have come, being as follows:

Beauty, I believe, is a proportionate derivative of suffering.  That is to say, that the potential for beauty is born within suffering, and if cultivated in a particular manner, its subject can thereby become beautiful.  Or, to put it differently, true beauty is the struggle to transcend the human condition.  It is the place in between suffering and the attainment of perfection in its entirety.  It is complicated, but I find, well worth the effort in trying to define.

118 thoughts on “About Me

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  5. In the words of Dr. Mari Ruti -which applies to men as well…

    “The French philosopher Simone de Beauvoir famously states that “one is not born a woman, but becomes one.” What she means is that none of us enters the world with an instinctive understanding of what being a woman means. We gather this understanding gradually, through being immersed in a cultural environment that holds particular views about MEN AND WOMEN. We begin to learn how to correctly “perform” our gender well before we learn to speak. By the time we are adolescents, the codes of appropriate femininity are so deeply ingrained, so automatic, that we consider them as innate. We don’t recognize them as cultural constructs, but rather take them to be an accurate reflection of our “nature”; they are simply who we “are.”

    In other words, we are NOT who we are. Since childhood, we’ve been conditioned by the socioeconomic and cultural world in which we live yet we regard it as normal -it’s not. And to the degree in which we have been mindlessly spoon fed into a mere cog in the social machine, is the degree in which we have alienated ourselves from our true self. We become subservient to a having mode of existence at the expense of the being mode of existence. Infinite growth, consumption, and profits, become objects of idolatry and we blindly obey their dehumanizing machinations as if they were Gods. Regarding beauty, Kilbourne’s films

    are only one example of the many ways in which we are unknowingly subjecting ourselves to the kind of propaganda that keeps us enslaved, stupid, at war between men and women, and unaware of the degree in which we are asleep in our waking state. As long as we continue to be had by the endless machinations of entertainment, sports, news, reality shows, fashion, and all the rest, we will never free ourselves from our bondage.The evolution of humanity will continue crawling at a snails pace.

  6. Beautiful blog you go here :) really like your writing style. You also have a brilliant positive perspective on things. :) keep winning. Steve.

      • In the words of Dr. Mari Ruti -which applies to men as well…

        “The French philosopher Simone de Beauvoir famously states that “one is not born a woman, but becomes one.” What she means is that none of us enters the world with an instinctive understanding of what being a woman means. We gather this understanding gradually, through being immersed in a cultural environment that holds particular views about MEN AND WOMEN. We begin to learn how to correctly “perform” our gender well before we learn to speak. By the time we are adolescents, the codes of appropriate femininity are so deeply ingrained, so automatic, that we consider them as innate. We don’t recognize them as cultural constructs, but rather take them to be an accurate reflection of our “nature”; they are simply who we “are.”

        In other words, we are NOT who we are. Since childhood, we’ve been conditioned by the socioeconomic and cultural world in which we live yet we regard it as normal -it’s not. And to the degree in which we have been mindlessly spoon fed into a mere cog in the social machine, is the degree in which we have alienated ourselves from our true self. We become subservient to a having mode of existence at the expense of the being mode of existence. Infinite growth, consumption, and profits, become objects of idolatry and we blindly obey their dehumanizing machinations as if they were Gods. Regarding beauty, Kilbourne’s films

        are only one example of the many ways in which we are unknowingly subjecting ourselves to the kind of propaganda that keeps us enslaved, stupid, at war between men and women, and unaware of the degree in which we are asleep in our waking state. As long as we continue to be had by the endless machinations of entertainment, sports, news, reality shows, fashion, and all the rest, we will never free ourselves from our bondage.The evolution of humanity will continue crawling at a snails pace.

        I humbly urge you to read Dr. Mari Ruti’s books

  7. Pingback: Versatile blogger award | Processing the life

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  59. I’m wondering if your book was published? Your writing intrigues me. Also I’m wondering how was law school for you? Because you seem to be emotionally attuned and I always assumed law school was more cold logic.

    • Hi again ;0) It was not. I am still working on the ending for the book. And organizing everything that comes before it too ;0) LOL…this blog is actually helping me figure out how to do that. So it’s been helpful in many respects.

      As for law school, I’m very very grateful that I got the education from it. I don’t think being a lawyer per se is for me, but the education was like no other. I love thinking and questioning and arguing a point, so it was only natural ;0) But yes you are right, the actual practice of law I have found, not so much for me.

  60. Thank you so much for joining us on wePoets. It’s much appreciated. We would be happy to showcase your work should you want to share it. Both of us are survivors battling what goes with that. For me (Zoe) C-PTSD and BDD :)

  61. “When I was growing up I rarely felt beautiful. To the contrary, I felt ugly and marred and disjointed, simply altogether not a pleasant sight to see. And yet, at the same time I found that people nonetheless thought I was beautiful.”

    When I was growing up, I didn’t feel that way either. I guess it didn’t help that people told me/treated me as I were ugly.

    But, slowly, I found myself wanting to deny that. I started finding beauty both within and in little things about myself.

    I think everything God has made is beautiful. Well, except emus, they really are ugly. The ugliest things I have ever seen are in people. How cruelly they can treat one another, the greed and hate in their hearts.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. I look forward to reading more of your blog.

    • Thanks for stopping by as well! I think that’s the first step for sure, to begin questioning what other people are telling us and making up our minds for ourselves.

      Never seen an emu ;0) However, I agree with the ugliest things being in human beings, and specifically how they treat others. It’s scary how that can be translated into how someone feels about themselves. I think that’s why it’s such a beautiful thing though, to see someone begin to question “reality” in search for truth.

      Looking forward to reading more of your blog too ;0)

  62. Wow! Great writing here! I must admit, I was pleasantly surprised to find you started following my blog. Great appreciation for you stopping by to view my writing. I look forward to reading your writings, too. Thank you for the connection. :)

    • Thank you ;0) I love your blog…I haven’t read a whole lot yet, but from what I have seen so far, I’m pretty sure I’ll love the rest too. I’m very interested and looking forward to reading more about home schooling and your army life especially. And though I don’t have any kids, my brother and sister-in-law have two, so it’s always nice to learn tips about how to interact with them just from reading about other people’s experiences. I’m not super natural with it, maybe it’s because I’ve never had my own, but still hoping one day ;0)

      Anyways (I could go on and on…), thank you for stopping my blog as well ;0)

      • Thank you so much! We just recently started homeschooling, and it’s been a bit challenging. Writing about it helps me sort out my thoughts and find my focus. I actually can’t stop writing about it because I am very passionate about homeschooling.
        As for Army Life, at first I didn’t have much to say about it. Everything was so calm. But lately we have been experiencing challenging times (to put it mildly) with my husband’s injury. A lot of feelings of frustration, sadness, worry, etc. have been going on, so I started writing about Army Life as an outlet. I find I write best when I’m really emotionally charged, anyway. Lol

  63. Thank you for finding me and liking my ABOUT post!
    I am so glad that it made me come here and read about you! I clicked Follow as soon as I read it and I’ve gotta say…. I don’t do that a lot anymore!
    xoxo

  64. Thank you for the follow..
    Followed back..Good to read your story.
    Hope to get to know you better through blogging..

    Shaun x

  65. Greetings Kyrielle. I am forwarding you this note that I had sent to a fellow blogger a few moments ago, hoping that you may find it useful. Thanks in advance, and hope that your day is going well. ;0) – Deo

    Dear Fellow Blogger 메간 :

    I have been reading your blog, and would like to share an interesting info that I came across lately. It is regarding the dietary habits that can enable and help controlling OCD and bipolar disorder. I am contemplating to elaborate on the specific foods (that can heal) in a separate post at a later date, so that it can be useful to many in our society. This is just a starting baby step in this self-less initiative. Please feel free to communicate it with friends and well-wishers who you may consider appropriate. I also suggest to please consult medical advice to ensure these general recommendations are appropriate in your specific case. Thanks.

    First and foremost, eating a balanced diet filled with nutrient rich foods is one of the keys for any nervous system disorders. If you experience anxiety and/or OCD, first step is to reduce, if cannot eliminate, your simple sugars and simple carbohydrates (cakes, white breads, donuts, white pasta and chocolates) and start to consume whole grain, natural foods. Include protein at every meal. Be sure to eat high-protein snacks if you notice any symptoms of OCD or bipolar during the day. Hypoglycemia has been linked to anxiety and OCD, and you need to keep your blood sugar level steady to avoid setting off reactions. Avoid caffeine containing drinks that can enhance anxiety.

    It’s good to get a good sleep as much as possible and whenever you can. Then again, if one is anxious or mentally fighting intrusive thoughts, it can be very difficult to fall asleep and have an uninterrupted rest. A vicious cycle often ensues, with worry about lack of sleeping adding to your stress. So use of natural herbal supplements to relax can be helpful; e.g. GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid), which is an amino acid and acts much like a neurotransmitter helps reduce stress. L-tryptophan is also promote sleep. 5 HTP (5-Hydroxytryptophan) is reported to work similar as tryptophan and they are both converted to serotonin, which aids sleep. However, pls consult medical advice before taking these, as there can be some interactions with antidepressants and other drugs and you should check with a professional.

    Use good music or light literature to relax and fall asleep, e.g. before sleeping, play relaxing music or read light hearted material rather than watch television or engage in controversial discussions.

    The imbalances in various vitamins, minerals, essential fatty acids, and other amino acid often affects the nervous system. An adequate supply of the B vitamins is crucial. It is reported that inositol, one of the B vitamins, can be very useful for OCD and Bipolar. A multi-vitamin a day, which contains daily dosage of minerals is always a good strategy.

    Recently, the role of essential fatty acids (EFAs) is considered crucial in many medical conditions involving central nervous system disorders. Please consult your doctor if you are planning to take EFAs because some side effects can occur, particularly blood thinning with larger doses of omega 3 (found in fish oil). Some EFAs can also increase the effectiveness of certain medications, hence requiring a dose adjustment. There are many different types of EFAs (e.g. fish oil, flax oil, walnut oil, etc.), and best is to consult with Doctor and select the most appropriate. The best strategy is to add appropriate portions of fish and almonds in your diet rather than using the synthetic supplements.

    I sincerely hope that you and your blog readers would find this info useful. Best Regards.

  66. Hi Kyrielle, Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder as the saying goes. May I thank you for calling by and wanting to follow my poetry journey. Take Care. The Foureyed Poet.

  67. Kyrielleadelshine- this evening I was thinking about the tremendous significance of inner beauty (over the transient youthful beauty that ultimately fades away.) Later I posted some of the insightful quotes that I thought were absolutely relevant in this context of realizing and appreciating inner beauty. I am forwarding the link to my post here, with a thought that you may find those interesting too. Thanks.

    http://dshenai.wordpress.com/2013/06/18/insightful-inspirational-quotes-about-inner-beauty/

  68. Thanks for following my blog, I hope my thoughts help yours. My take on beauty is: There is the genetic component so that we tend to find other Humans beautiful over, say, chimps and there is a cultural component so that different ethnic groups / cultural groups will have slightly different standards of beauty but each person has some component that is uniquely that person’s. So not everyone finds the same person beautiful or desirable. As a personal example, I do not find your use of makeup, the style and application, beautiful but many others would. There is a basic beauty in your face that I like, which is perhaps a genetic component, and your words have a beauty in them which might be a cultural component. But your makeup, especially around your eyes, I do not find beautiful (which given my age, might be another cultural component). So, in my overly wordy way I am pointing out that like all subjective words, beauty cannot be defined except on a personal level – what is beautiful to me.

    • Oh no I thank you not only for contributing to the discourse on my blog but especially for your strength in being tactfully honest. It’s funny you should mention my makeup because I have been told before on many an occasion that I look much more “beautiful” with less or even none. Sometimes (I.e. often) wearing no makeup does NOT make me feel on the more beautiful side, so I definitely too think there is some cultural conditioning going on there that I would hope and am working to overcome. Although sometimes it’s just fun, as my 6 year old nephew once put it, to face paint ;0) I hope that’s right, but given so, I totally get that idea and agree with you substantially.

      I would challenge you to see what ideas you have regarding “inner” beauty as well, and how maybe that plays a factor in what might subjectively be considered beautiful and perhaps in some rare cases, even objectively beautiful as well. If you have any ideas on that, I would love to hear them as well. I have a sort of outline of a theory in my head regarding beauty, and what it fundamentally means, but like many theories, it is still fractured and there are yet many places still left to figure out. Kind of like a puzzle, still missing some pieces.

      But, that being said, comments and inquiries like yours get the cranks winding and help me to figure those fractures out. So, for that reason alone, but the others mentioned above too, I do thank you for joining in and contributing with candor your perspective. Helps me to broaden my own perspective, which is I think is one of the most beautiful activities in life in and of itself. In fact, it’s not in the category yet, but I would consider THAT a method of cultivating beauty.

      So anyways, I too have a bad habit of getting wordy at times. So hopefully you made it through the above and got the ultimate point…being, thank you :0)

  69. Thanks so much for your kind words. Yes, I am fine now. There is no way I could have blogged about our experiences otherwise. Like you, writing has been most therapeutic and I am pleased that people find it helpful.

    Stay healthy and positive.
    Jill

  70. I am pleased you came to my post. I hope it gives you joyful thoughts because the way you think is the way you will be. It is said beauty is in the eye of the beholder and another saying is beauty is only skin deep. I beleive old wrinklies like me are beautiful when they smile everyone is beautiful when they smile or just look contented. It is more important what you think than what I think or anyone.

  71. Nice reading about you

    Thanks for visiting my blog. Be in touch. Browse through the category sections, I feel you may find something of your interest.

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