ON TIME — Building My Dream By 33


Reflection from June 17th, 2011 @ Age 29


Well here I am, writing again—at home not working on the website for work, again.  I decided for just this week though, that I don’t care.  It’s my last week of the decade, the last week of the decade that will come to be known all too well in the next!  And I can’t wait!

I emailed Christopher and Gabrielle just now, and asked them what they thought about whether a dream really could come true if someone where capable and persistent and motivated, and if they found a little luck in timing and opportunity.  I anxiously await their responses.  I need to know they believe it’s possible.  I believe it’s possible—but people can make themselves believe a lot of things are possible when the circumstances just don’t actually warrant it.  I need to know that they believe in me, so that I have support, and so that when I waiver and become unsure, I can lean on their faith to make it through.

So, I called my psychologist today to see if he would read my two random journal entries I picked out.  I told him together it was about 14 pages and he was like, “well…when did you want me to read it by?”  And I said I was hoping he could read it so that we could discuss it on Tuesday during my appointment, and he was like, “that might be hard because it’s almost the weekend and we have visitors” and whatnot.  Which is totally fine because if one of my clients at work called and wanted something done over the weekend that wasn’t necessary, I would do a total no way!  So I understand completely.

But then I was like, well maybe you could read it first during our appointment and then we can talk about it, and he was all, “you want me to spend your appointment reading 14 pages of writing while you sit there and watch me?”  And I was like ha ha I guess not, but now that I thought about it—that’s exactly what I am going to have him do.  Except I will sit in the waiting room while he reads, and give him 5-10 minutes to formulate his thoughts.  And then I will want an answer.  And if he wants to marinate it all, then he can do that for the next appointment — but I need to hear his initial reactions, and I need to hear them the day after my birthday.  There’s no time to waste now.

Now, to be entirely honest, I’m actually quite horrified to see his reaction.  I just have a feeling it’s not going to be good; maybe because he’s a conservative republican or for whatever reason, I just have this bad feeling about it.  But I’m also scared—so that could be what’s leading to that fear and negativity.  It’s just so strange because those two entries, out of hundreds, maybe close to a thousand—I just think are the most beautiful things I’ve ever read.  I honestly, from the bottom of my heart, with all of my being, and on the lives of my unborn children swear that I feel that is true.  And there’re so many more too!!!  There’s so much beauty in there, it’s almost crippling.  And so too, is my fear that others won’t see it.  Or almost, in any case.  Almost.

What is in a word, my friend?  What can we possibly hope to cultivate with a word?  Or a string of words, or a million of them put together?  What can we hope for?  What are the possibilities?

There is so much beauty in this world.  But what is beauty, but in the eye of the beholder?  So, does it necessarily equate that what I believe to be beautiful, others will to?  I do, in fact; I believe that to be the case.  Not with all people, no.  But there are some, and many of them—who will find in my writing also, the same impenetrable beauty I see shining through.  I cannot be the only one; I simply refuse to believe that I am.

Alarms are going off in my head right now, telling me not to move forward.  I’m terrified to hear what other people have to say—but I will move forward anyway.  I am going to do this.  I am going to make it happen.  Please, watch me as I do so.  Watch me move forward, past the fear, into something I can call my own.  Into the place I have for so long been searching — I can see it in my mind, it is already there.  It’s just a matter of time now, until it’s here to share.