ON LIFE — **Such** a BITCH!

Reflection from June 14, 2007 @ Age 25

RE:  LEARNING TO RIDE THE BIPOLAR TIDE ;0)

I am glad I’m not deciding to live my life around Bryceman’s because…okay, I’m definitely watching myself ride the wave now because some big waves have come a splashin’ and I’ve been all over them damn place.  I’m glad, I was saying, that I am not planning my life around Bryceman, though I love him dearly, because I just don’t think I’m at a place right now where I’m ready for that kind of geographic stability.  Go figure.

The world is crashing down around me and wants to crush my soul down with it.  I have the option to let the wave take me under or to watch it rise and fall with the coming ebb and flow.  I want to watch it come and go.  It’s the drama of life and inevitable…but whether I ride those waves is another story.  I have the option to take that ride and I decline.

It’s painful and difficult to watch the wave pass.  It’s emotional and it brings back old feelings of failure, of not being good enough, of embarrassment, of fear of what’s to come.  It’s not pleasant.  But I guess it’s not supposed to be.  That’s the thing…in order to be open and watch the tide pass, I have to be willing to suffer the transition.  To deal with the adversity.  It’s very hard to abstain.  I just want to let my heart harden and spit forth the fury of fire that is my wrath!  And yet I can see how that would do me no good in the end.  It’s still very hard to abstain. 

I’ve inadvertently been automatically renewed into a $10K contract with satan Lewis A. Zipkin.  I want to say that I should have known—but that wouldn’t be being compassionate to myself and so I therefore will officially not.  But aarrgghhhh this is so hard!  Life is kicking!

I so want to be a hater but I don’t want my heart to harden.  I want it to remain alive and well and bleeding.  Is to live.  I keep dipping here thinking I should have known but who says I should have known?  The person who’s saying that it is totally unreasonable to tack onto a one fucking year lease agreement that the agreement will renew without notice for a new year lease equaling over ten fucking thousand dollars two months prior to the originally set lease ending date.  That’s who.  I’m fucking angry as hell.  I’m furious!  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t want to ask Neil for help and especially don’t want to deal with his judgment but this is mother fucking ridiculous!  Lewis Zipkin is a mother fucking asshole!  He better be going to hell!

So yes, that’s where I’m at right now.  It’s still early though.  It’s still the same day my doom was destined.