Reflection from June 12th, 2013 @ Age 31
RE: LEARNING THAT HAPPINESS IS DOING WHAT I LOVE—REGARDLESS.
I feel like I want to kill myself. I have no home, I have to be drugged to fit into society, my father’s an asshole who does not support me, my boss is an asshole who, as a “businessman”, of course, only gives a shit about himself. I tried to explain to him why I wanted to take next week off work, the week of my birthday, not even to go anywhere or do anything because I have no money. Just to fucking get my head together and back focused and he’s all, “well ohhhhhh, okay then, well that’s what I need you to do too then. To get your focus back.” As if I didn’t just handle my first hearing and win no doubt. As if I mean nothing. As in emotionally abusive asshole, just one more in my life. I need to escape myself, but I cannot unless I kill it. Myself that is, until I kill this body of mine. My soul will go on, and that’s the important part. And then I can walk in gardens all misty wet with rain with David. Except he might not even be there either. Maybe it would just be blackness and wholly death. I don’t know. But I’m not sure how it could be any worse than here. T—about 14 minutes till the Xanax and Adderall XR kick in. I hope it gives me some good energy to do something productive that will make me feel happy. Because, as far as happiness goes, I am not it. Not at this moment in any case.