Reflection from July 8th, 2011 @ Age 30
RE: LOOKING BACK, BY THE GRACE OF GOD.
Leaving for Peoria in 1.25 hours! Or at least, we’re supposed to…whether I’ll be showered and packed by then is another story ;0)
Adam and I had another great talk yesterday. Basically, in a nutshell, I have been cycling—he has noticed to a great extent, it’s been very difficult on him, and he wants me to try increasing my medication back to where it was, or at least one step back, since the doctor had me move two steps down on the Abilify. I explained to him how wonderful it has been, feeling again—and he explained to me, how intense it has been. He said the downs have been horrible, and the ups were too extreme as well. He said I would get so excited, it was almost as if I had won the lottery or something.
I said to him, do you know what it’s like to not feel anything? He had said that work is worthwhile so that he can have whatever time is left, to do fun stuff—and I said, do you know what it’s like to not even be able to get excited about that fun stuff? I mean, what good is it working your life away to enjoy the exciting fun stuff when, you can’t even get excited about it? It makes the worthwhile part totally not worthwhile because it’s not even all that enjoyable. And I said, do you know what it’s like to have to be drugged so that you fit into society and can function like a “normal” human being? Do you know what it’s like to feel numb and blah and tired all the time? Do you know how good it feels just to feel again? Even if it is depression, my god—to feel again has been absolutely amazing.
And he got it. But he said he cannot live with it being this extreme. He said I don’t have to go all the way back up to where I was at, but I need to increase my meds because it’s been too extreme for him to handle. The excitement was a little extreme for him, but the depression has been too hard. He said if I didn’t, he wouldn’t be able to stick around. I said, do you know what it’s like to have to drug yourself so that the people around you won’t leave? And he said he understood, but he couldn’t take the depression, and especially if it was 75% of the time. So anyways, that’s where we’re at.
So I’ll stop decreasing my meds and see where that gets me. I guess if I have to go back up I will. I will try to control it first though. I don’t want to go back to not feeling again. I don’t know how I can go back to living that life. It’s horrible to not feel. It makes life almost not worth living. To be drugged all the f’ing time, just to fit in. F that.