ON THE BOW — That Arrives *After* The Rain ;0)

Reflection from August 23rd, 2014 @ Age 33

RE:  THE POWER OF THE OCEAN.

I dunno…the adrenaline all ran out and now I just feel super tired and notably emotionally —RAW— and not in the WWF Wrestling Federation good kind of way you know?  More in the open wound with no bandaid or ointment kind of way…

It just feels —awful— ;0(

Later

I don’t know…I guess in a way, at least, it kind of all goes back to the time thing.  Because you know, with Grandma V’s funeral, it was like, —timeand, notably, I had 22 hours to prepare for delivery.  It made it concrete, you know?  Whereas now, it just feels like I’m back into the dull abyss of —FOREVER— darkness…like I’m lost in the forest again.  You know what I mean?  It just feels like a bummer, kind of.

But John’s Mexican neighbor notably just stopped and said “hello” ;0)  So that’s nice ;0)

He had a son and a daughter and a dog with him I think, but he passed, then looked back over his right shoulder and said to me directly, “hello” …hah and now his kids are running back and forth before me with their bare feet ;0)  Hah ;0)  So, that’s nice, at the very least.  Except too, the sun is —shining— upon me, which is nice, and a funny Will Ferrell movie about basketball was on the TV in “the case” where I left John to rest while I came out for a cig and for to write, and I do, actually, have a harmonic and book to teach me how to play it like, already

I was thinking about the, uhhh…ukulele when I got here, just as I was pulling in listening to “Somewhere over the Rainbow”—the version by Ingrid Michelson…the very same song I’d been listening to on repeat back in Seattle and Portland and in the shower in Napa where my then-husband told me he thought “it would be best” if I moved out of his condo, when we got back from vacation.  And then we went to San Francisco and he got the food poisoning when he ordered a burger at the Italian restaurant—he ended up in the hospital, but just before then, or maybe after I don’t know…

We were walking out and about in the streets downtown in San Francisco and it was raining, and then it stopped—and that was when the rainbow came out…

I hadn’t seen a rainbow in such a long time before that…

And it was raining and then it’s ‘bow came out…

So who knows…

Maybe there is possibility here, and I am just still very tired from Grandma’s funeral and delivering her eulogy and all—from delivering her the justice she’d so long deserved by that point—it was, only just 3 days ago now.

And so I’m raw now, big f’ing DEAL you know?!!  It’s but a mere part in the process you know?!!!  The process of cultivating —beauty— and all ;0)

Later

When we were in Napa and Adam told me it was over, I put my mother’s silver heart-shaped locket around my neck, removed my engagement diamond and wedding band, and willed god to bring me safely home.  And somehow, with no money—with nothing but my own being, my own self —WILL— I did make it home safely after that…

And too it shall be, again and again and again…just one more —time— over and over and —OVER— again…

As many times as it takes.  And that’s it!

Just over and over and over again until I do finally, with my Grandma V and David and my good god above—arrive HOME to the high heavens above.

Nothing more, nothing less.

That is it.

And so I will it be done, and so it —SHALL— be done.

All my loving…