ON A LOVE — That Saves You In The End, After All

Reflection from April 2nd, 2008 @ Age 26


Well off I go on another DC adventure!  I’m super duper excited and wish only that I didn’t have to wait until 11pm when I get there!  It’ll be a long day of work from 8:30am — 3:30pm, then travel time from 3:30pm — 10:30pm, then luggage from 10:30pm — 11:00pm and hopefully no longer, and then off I’ll go on my newest DC adventure!  Ohh tra-la-la if only the day would go quickly I do hope!


On the plane now.  Don’t know what time it is because I had to turn my celly off.  Been thinkin’ ‘bout dying, and David.  I keep imagining different ways I could die in a plane crash and here’s my favorite:

I jump out of the plane right because I know I’ma die and all; it’s inevitable.  So I jump on out and free fall and I completely elate because I feel like I’m flying.  I feel invincible.  But when I land, it’s on a church steeple — a spiky one that just slices through my stomach, and I can’t decide whether I stay there with a spike through my body and my heart, or if I’m torn in two and just fall to the ground.  And as I fall I think of Dave.  I dream that I’ll see him, that I’ll meet him in heaven and we’ll live in love forevermore, and I’ll finally be home.  I’ll finally be happy.  We’ll be changed though.  We’ll have that all encompassing understanding—we’ll finally understand each other and the circumstances that so long held us apart.  We free fall into love.

This journal bears a coat of arms.  I can’t help but think that my heart, also, bears arm.  I am at another crossroads.  I have yet another decision to make—which path will I choose?  I don’t know that my heart can handle anymore love.  Not love of family and friends—I mean the kind of love that changes you.  The love that turns your life upside down and fills all the days and brings a blanket of sun that envelopes your heart, keeps it safe.  Love that is unbreakable; love that will forever permeate the strictures of space and time.  I don’t know that I can bear to love and lose again.  But my heart aches on and yearns for reprieve.  My mind drifts to hope, but I know yet not whether hope will prevail.  All I know is, I shall wait to see.