REFLECTION FROM NOVEMBER 15TH, 2007**
Re: Quietly, Patiently Building Internal Strength—Through Perseverance of Purpose & Determination of Meaning for Life
Written 11/15/2007 @ Age 26
Well, I find myself now gainfully employed and on a new drug that seems like it might help once I am able to work up to the requisite dosage (which takes a long extensive period of 6 weeks), but things are definitely improving.
I’ve been terribly depressed the past few days, yet found trying when it comes to explicating myself. I think a large part of it is the fact that money, even if just a mediate amount, enough to pay bills and have a reliable car – it just depressed the hell out of me that money can buy happiness, even if it’s just to an extent you know, to a point of diminishing returns. And I think of all the people out there that aren’t educated past high school, and I know there are a lot of people churning in and pumping out of colleges in the US, but I know there have to be at least as many people that are not, and I think about how the f–k they are supposed to live off a minimum wage that pays $6.55/hour. I don’t even have to do the math to tell you there is no f–king way you could afford housing, a reliable car, car insurance, health insurance, housing insurance, food, clothing, and the other necessities of life on a 40-hour week, working for $6.55/hour. It just depresses the hell out of me, and I know I can’t make changes, I can’t change the situations of all these people at once, nor can I change the situations of any of these people right now. Hell I can barely pay my own bills right now, which don’t even include housing or a car payment, but, do include educational bills out the f–king wahzoo. I’m not entirely sure that’s a word, but it seems to fit so what the hell.
I’m still feeling very angry that some people have all this money to dispose of for fun just however they please, when other people are suffering immediately, right now, this very f–king second, terribly, and these other people with money are just not willing to help. They’re too busy riding their boats and horses, they’re too busy drinking and smoking and dining out and wearing fantastic clothing to notice or care. It makes me so angry, but then I think about what I’ll do with my money when I have money to dispose of as I please, and I wonder if I will get wrapped up in the fantasies of life, traveling and vacationing and buying designer clothing and all that bulls–t, I wonder if that too, will hold my addiction. I want to say it won’t, but the conflicting part is that I can’t promise that I won’t. I just cannot bring myself to say, I won’t. Because in all honesty I just don’t know what I will do.
I have been thinking about AA lately and think I am at the point where I can begin to look for a meeting in the area that I like and can attend regularly. I think that’s next on the list. But as far as therapy goes, I honestly feel like I am good to go. I feel like I have the tools to be happy if I want to be, but I feel like I have so much to learn still just about the way that the world works and I think that in some, in many ways, this world is still very much so a f–king depressing place and I think that there is reason that I am sometimes very much so depressed by it, and by the actions of my fellow human beings. But I also feel like I must be very careful in assessing fault in others, for how can I be a judge when I too am so very conflicted in almost every single way? Life is confusing and gray as can be, and decisions are made in moments of desperation every day, so how could I rightly hold other people responsible, at least in general, when I myself find life so damn confusing? I cannot.
Anyways, I’m feeling better right now, almost manic-y in a way – I truly think it’s going to take suffering through this time in order to reach the relief promised by this new drug. All I can tell you is that it’s a drug having been used for a long time on bipolar patients (or so my doctor tells me), and that it costs me $25 a month instead of $300. That’s all I can tell you, so I wait, and I suffer; but my suffering brings me closer to my purpose in the meantime – it brings me closer to all the children that suffered and are suffering just as I did, with no f—king support in this cold, lonely world, and it reminds me in a time of wanting to kill myself, of the true purpose of my existence.
I tell you what, I can feel the bipolar more than ever because I’ve been suicidal for days now, and tonight I can honest to god feel my true meaning and purpose. It’s an excruciating way to live, I feel like I have tremors in my heart when I see and think of the pain and suffering of others, and my own pain and suffering. But the crazy part is, that very suffering is where I find my purpose in this world. How can the most terrible of things in this lifetime bring also the most meaning? It’s just another cruel irony of living a conscious life of a human being, I tell you. It’s completely excruciating. I feel much lack of sleep coming forth…I’m on a high again, ohh god help me.
And here’s one more thing I had to log back on to tell you before this here night and my own thoughts dissipate into darkness…
I know with all my heart tonight, that I don’t have to be famous and I don’t have to be rich and I don’t have to live in a large metropolitan city to make a big difference in this world. I can make a huge difference to improve the lives of many, right here in Columbus, Ohio, if only I can find the courage to venture outside of these suburban doors and find people who also too, care to make a difference.
I want to learn more about politics and I want to be an advocate for suffering children and those who suffer from mental illness. I want to speak out about the stereotypes surrounding mental health issues, I want to speak out about preventative health care plans, I want so very much to change this world and make it a better place and to be one good person living here on earth – one conscious person who cares and wants to make a difference.
I want to help children get the support they need – mental, emotional, physical, educational, all aspects. I want to advocate for the rights of those who suffer from mental health issues. I want to adopt a child later in life. I want to find my soulmate, and allow myself the time to develop enough to know what my “soulmate” really means. I want to work and love with other people to make a positive difference in the reality of others and in the reality of my self. I want to love on a large-scale basis and make friends and figure out how to enjoy life. I do not believe that these things are outside my grasp. I just think the world is terribly large and complex and overwhelming, and it seems to me the brighter an individual you are, the more overwhelming those factors become. Unless of course you fall into addiction and/or out of consciousness – I’d like to avoid those things from now on though if at all possible.
So…it looks like I’ve worked so hard for so long, but have a long, long way left yet to go. I believe with all my heart in this very moment, that the wait will not be in vain. Go forth my love, and find your way to love – it will bring you all the meaning you’ve been searching for and your cup will runneth over.
FOLLOW UP INTO THE FUTURE – @ present: http://janesaysrise.com/
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