ON LEVELING MY OWN HEAD — Organically ;0)

Reflection from September 30th, 2011 @ Age 30


Hello.  Not a whole lot of inspiration going on here at the moment.  There’s some, it comes in spits of excitement and hope, but mostly I’m just even keeled right now, taking the medications like I’m supposed to.  I will say, it’s kind of a relief at times, to be stable.  Mentally, that is (but in most other respects as well, I would say).  But sometimes I miss the highs and lows as well.  It’s almost like I need to set my life up so that I can have periods to lower the meds and be more creative and inspired, and then periods when I’m on the full doses, such that I can get my work done that requires a bit more level kind of head.  It’s kind of brilliant in a way, to be able to control it, depending upon where I am at in life, and what I am trying to get done.  But I’m still not quite there yet, in terms of being in a place where I can maximize both sets of skill.  I am working toward it though, every day now I am.

One interesting thing, I’m working to lose this awful set of 25 pounds that I’ve put on since last October, and in doing so I found, what seems to be at least, a wonderful secret!  I’ve taken, upon myself, to snack on (LOL…) teeny, tiny cubes of chicken bouillon to satisfy these crazy salt cravings that I get all the time.  I mean, I love it, and it works for me.  So call me crazy, but that’s okay, because it seems to be working for me, and really, that’s all that matters. 

Work is still frustrating me, mostly because I have this continuously nagging feeling that I should be putting more time into becoming a lawyer.  It’s difficult to devote the time, when it’s merely plan B.  And really, also, not what I am dreaming for.  So I don’t really have any conclusions or resolutions as to that, except that I need to keep working consistently on the book so that I can make it happen as soon as is possible.  Or, at the very least, do my part and put it out there, and then let it be awhile, just let it marinate in the heads of others until they call me and tell me just how brilliant and beautiful I am ;0)  Aren’t I simply darling?  LOL…

What else?  I went out with Nicole and Kelly last night, which wasn’t nearly as exciting and fun as the first two outings, but it was something.  You see, Nicole’s best friend from high school and college, Megan, just broke up with this douchebag that she’s been dating for like four years.  They met on match.com and apparently he’s been very controlling of and abusive towards her mental wellbeing.  So anyways, the whole thing was just very bizarre! 

She came in about two hours after Nicole and Kelly and I got there, at the very end really, and she was lit up like you could not believe!  But not by drugs or alcohol or pills or anything of that sort, just by the sheer empowerment of having broken up with this guy, and finally, after four long years, of actually being able to see exactly who he is, what he’s about, and what he’s been doing to her, and taking away.  She even said, this guy convinced me to completely give up my relationship with my very best friend (Nicole), upon which she also said, “by the way, I’m really sorry about that Nicole…” ;0)  It was very cute, and Nicole was beaming, and I was happy I was there to experience that moment with her.  I don’t think she could even believe she was hearing the words that were coming out of Megan’s mouth.  It was pretty phenomenal. 

So then, Megan finished up her story—they broke up, she told him to get his shit out by Sunday, he came that same day instead and removed just about everything, and then she started asking us how we were doing.  She said congratulations to me about Adam’s and my marriage, and asked how our wedding was in Hawaii.  My jaw just about dropped to the floor.  I looked to Nicole, and was wide-eyed with amazement because this girl had been so very absent that she didn’t even know Adam had had a lung transplant last fall!  I said to Nicole, “does she even know?”  And she said, “I don’t think so.”  I just couldn’t believe it.  It’s like, where in the world has she been that she wouldn’t have read on Facebook or heard from somebody, any one of their mutual college friends, that Adam had had a double lung transplant!?!  I just absolutely could not believe it, and kind of really very much so felt sorry for her in that moment.

I didn’t tell her right then and there, because there’s no real light way to say that I got engaged, made Hawaii wedding plans for three months, then cancelled them after Adam was in the hospital for three weeks, the doctors told him he couldn’t fly, and that he would need a transplant ASAP.  I mean how could you lightly say that, at that moment, we decided that two weeks later we would be wed, and 12 days after that Adam would be on the transplant list, and 7 days after that he would have a new set of lungs hooked up in his body?  How can you just come out and say that?  It’s so heavy!

And so I didn’t, but I sure would love to see the look on her face when Nicole tells her!  She’s not going to believe it!  And I think at that moment, it will bring things round full circle for her, to realize something so huge, and so monumental, she simply could not see.  Among other things, of course, but I sure do wish I could be a fly on the wall!

So anyways, as I was telling Adam later that night when I got home, it almost felt like I was in a TV show or something.  Honest to god, you know that very first episode of Friends, when Rachel runs into the coffee shop in a wedding gown, completely empowered because she had just run out on her groom on their wedding day?  Well, it was different obviously, but ohh then how much the same it did seem!  It’s something I cannot even explain, but it’s almost as if the cosmos is changing, things are shifting around out there in the Universe, and I can’t really even imagine what’s in store, but I can feel the ground shifting and it feels good and makes me wonder. 

So there’s that, and then what else?  Ohh!  I don’t know that I relayed this yet, but I am finished with my current psychologist.  After the whole book debacle, which I’m pretty sure I wrote about that, but after all of that, this asshole had the nerve to say to me, “now, you’re not putting any pressure on yourself to write this book, are you?”  I know you probably can’t understand completely, but honestly, what a total fucking asshole!  It’s like this man (yes, a republican), can only think inside of the box.  He was wonderful with helping me get through a very difficult time, keeping me alive and going really, keeping me moving forward with enough hope that I would meet someone and pass the bar and become able to pay my bills.  For all of that, I am so thankful.  I mean it though, I really am.

And don’t you know, he was right, because I did find someone who would love me***, despite my debt and my mental illness, and I did pass the bar exam and get my license to practice law.  He kept me believing that it was possible, when I very much so had difficulty believing in the mere possibility, and for that, to him, I will forever be grateful.

But now the tides have turned.  Now, it’s time to start thinking outside of the box, and in that, I have come into contact with his weakness.  He can’t.  He cannot think outside of the box, he cannot believe in things beyond the course of leading a “normal” everyday life, college, law school, meet someone, pass bar exam, great job, start paying off debt, eventually have kids and the house and a dog.  He’s good for all that stuff, the regular everyday achievements.  But I just cannot tell you, I don’t know how to explain it in words, but he simply just cannot comprehend what it is to have a larger dream, and take what is a mere image in the mind of a dreamer, and to make that dream become a reality.  I cannot blame him or fault him; very few people can do that.  But I can remove myself from the situation, and find a new psychologist who does understand.  Or maybe I won’t be able to find one, who knows?  But it’s not going to stop me from trying.

And in any case, he made demeaning comments to me about Obama, just looked me straight in the eye, knowing how very liberal I am, and made some asshole comments like it wasn’t even a big deal!  And I couldn’t believe that either!  It, too, was phenomenal!  I just couldn’t believe he would sit there and make fun of this man, when I had just got done telling him that Adam and I really like our new couples counselor because he reminds us of Obama!  I mean, how stupid can you be?

Alright, let me just tell you, this is what I said:

I said that Adam and I weren’t sure at first, whether we were going to like this Dr. Hernandez.  I said he talks really slow, and he just kind of counsels us in general principles that pretty much just follow common sense, but then we got to talking during our second visit, and he really gave us some helpful suggestions for things to try, and things to think about, a just a new perspective from which to approach the situation.  And Dr. Forman was all, “well…if he talks slowly and speaks in generalities and looks like Obama, he might as well just be him!”  Or some retarded kind of bullshit of that nature.

So anyways, that’s beside the point (sort of), suffice it to say, I just got a phone call from Dr. Restuccio with names of four new psychologists to try out.  And that crazy thing about that, even, is that they are all females!  Which may not seem alarming to you, but I was sure as hell surprised when I had meant to, but had forgotten, to tell Dr. R that I was really hoping to hook up with a female doctor. 

So I don’t know…you can call me crazy if you want!  But things are starting to get silly here!  I am telling you, from the bottom of my heart, that I can feel the Universe shifting.  And I have no idea exactly where it will end up taking me, but I have a good feeling about it and look forward to finding out.


I have just written the most beautiful email to the most beautiful man I have ever known.  And so, for you, I will duplicate here, for your very own reading pleasure.

Hi Professor Bonar!  

I’m not sure if you’ll remember me still, but I surely do remember you!  I was thinking about you the other day, and how wonderful it was to have your presence in my life.  I’ll never forget when I asked you to be my academic advisor, and you told me in response that you would be honored to.  Nor will I forget our visit a few years back, how, upon recollection of the perpetual tardiness that plagued me in college, you laughed and told me you always thought I was a free spirit.  

I don’t know if you remember, but back in college, I used to have the damnedest time coming up with ideas for my future.  On one particular day when we were talking in your office, as I recall it, you suggested I think about becoming a lawyer.  Now, they are always saying that teachers are very important, and that they are working to shape our future.  Well, I just want you to know that with that suggestion, you opened my mind to a world I didn’t even know existed.  It was as if, all of a sudden, things became possible, ideas became possible, that I wouldn’t dared to have dreamed prior to that particular moment.

And so, while it does not necessarily have anything to do with math ;0), I want you to know that you have made a significant difference in my life.  You opened my mind to a world of possibility, and for that, I will forever be grateful.

I sincerely hope that you are doing well, and that you are happy and enjoying life to its fullest.  

Very truly yours, and

As always,

Marissa (Varcho) Crumrine

And ohh, now, how I do hope, it will make it through the email channels and into his beautiful conscience!


***NOTE:  The love I found whilst under Dr. Forman’s direction, turned out to be fraudulent.