ON BEING A CRIMINAL – While Stuck In The Middle

REFLECTION FROM MARCH 26TH, 2009**

RE:  BUILDING AWARENESS OF SUBSTANCE ABUSE ISSUES – A COMMON SYMPTOM OF AN UNDERLYING BIPOLAR CONDITION

WRITTEN – 3/26/2009 @ AGE 27

Alright, it’s been twelve days and I feel like I better have something good to say now!  But I don’t.  Not necessarily anyways.

I’ve been smoking away like I do since last weekend and I’ve noticed other people noticing me, like when my mom tells me I look so tired or my boss asks me why I’ve been dozing off at work.  I can’t stop.  Until it is gone, I cannot stop.  I take it everywhere with me in the car, and when I’m driving in the car I just keep thinking about how I’m operating this huge piece of machinery that could kill me at any given second.  I’m okay unless I make a mistake; otherwise I am dead.

WUTYL (Wake Up To Your Life – Buddhism Group) was weird last night.  It was four boys and myself, and we meditated for a goddamn hour and a half and then “checked in” and I felt very awkward and self-conscious.  I liked being there though, the things that we talk about.  Like this one guy was talking about how he’s been angry having to sit on top of some pain, and when do you ever get a chance to hear guys say this kind of shit?  So I like it in that sense, that the people there seem very wholesome and like they’ve got square shoulders on straight.  And I like talking about philosophy.  I can’t believe they have a group of people in town that like doing the same kinds of things I like to do.  I feel very lucky.  Columbus, Ohio was a very unlikely place for a study group to pop up in response to Ken McLeod.  It’s like Chicago, LA, NYC and Columbus, Ohio.  It’s very unlikely.  I’m tired of talking about it now though.

I’ve put on about five pounds because I’ve been eating like a horse.  I feel swollen and bloated at the end of each day and I haven’t been working out or showering as much lately and I don’t know.  I just don’t think I like smoking all that much anymore.  It just makes me want to make sure that Gabrielle and Halle and I go out and do something, and not just sit at home in the basement smoking pot when I go visit.  I never get to see those girls and I don’t want to waste the whole trip away in one foggy cloud.

Work, I’ve been finding, has been very unsatisfactory lately.  It doesn’t make me feel happy or fulfilled or smart or excited to learn, it makes me feel stupid.  All the time, I feel stupid.  Not even just stupid either, I really oftentimes feel like an idiot.  I don’t know what to do about it.  I suspect that there is some conditioned response going on there that Buddhism could help with – it’s just a matter of getting between here and there.  Because that’s the time I am in, the time in between getting here and there.  I am in the middle.

I want to go smoke again (I smoked on the way home from work).  I’ll suffice to eat a brownie sundae to make myself feel better.  Then I’ll think of an excuse to slip outside to “run an errand” and be one and happy with the earth.  In all reality, I hate saying this because I always regret it, but it’s almost like I just cannot stop until it is gone.  I don’t even really get a chance to enjoy it because I am so consumed by it all.  It almost feels like smoking is making me sick.  It’s a weird, unfamiliar situation.  I just can’t stop until it’s gone.  Then I will make everything okay.  Just put it off for a lit-tle bit more.  Then I will do everything I have to do to make sure everything is okay.  It makes me feel like a criminal though.  Because that’s what I am.  I am a criminal.  I break the law and I am a criminal.

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